can i call you billiam?

the words she writes are poetry, but
they cannot be read as such like a rhyme...
they cannot be sung like a song with a melody....
they cannot be narrated like a story....
they cannot be deciphered like those of a letter to a lover....


her words were meant for the soul, no being can understand the true light behind them.
there is not a system.
it is not a game.
there is no light to be shed upon them.

she leaves it simply "more fun to figure out".


if things were too easy to figure out, people would not have fun, women would not "catch" their men, and people would not be happy. it is the curiosities of life that make it not so monotonous.

i feel like i let people run my life, but i don't know how to change that. i need to find my own voice and not hang so intently onto what other people have to do and say.

i feel like without those people though, i will not know who i am.


how can i know who i am if i have lived by other people for so long.



how do i find myself?

offended.

i'm sorry, but to hear that come out was just like-- i am not sure if i know who you are. we have been stepping on eachothers' toes a lot more lately. and then to hear that you don't like me this morning? so you can just choose which days you like me. we are friends, we work through this stuff, i understand i may not be your favorite person at times, or at any time-- but i allow you certain courtesies that i think i should be allowed as well.

i always used to interrupt you...not because i didn't want to hear what you had to say, but because i was trying to make sure that i had straight in my head what you were trying to tell me, or because i had a good question or point to bring up that when you keep talking i knew i would forget.

sometimes i feel like you keep talking, and i allow you to just do that, because you want to dominate the conversation because you want to be right. of course you do, who doesn't? even i do that, but i feel like that's been happening a lot more lately and i am sick of being cut off. just waiting for you to finish your point, and finding that i have forgotten mine.

you don't do it on purpose i know, but maybe i do have a valid point that i would like to bring up. and i guess because you feel as though i interrupted you for so long maybe now how you deal with it is you just tell me to be quiet so that you can talk-- and i just let you walk all over that.

i'm not mad...i just think that if we keep doing this we may not stay together. maybe we are diverging and maybe not. regardless if this makes us stronger then so be it, if it weakens us-- i am sorry. but for what? the fact that i could not "agree to disagree" anymore. there are some things that are just too important to be left that way.

before i saw growth, now i just see retaliation.
maybe it's the way that i say things because any other person of the same background might understand light heartedly but you take it literal because you have not grown up in the same tradition. maybe you are questioning because it sounds absolutely ridiculous or "stupid" but to me, that is sort of ignorant. you are not an ignorant person. you are smart, and i don't see you any other way, so i want you to acknowledge the things that i do with the same reverence that i have for your practices.

maybe sometimes i do say that stuff is ridiculous, and maybe you do get offended when i say things like that. i am sorry for those times. maybe i am being a complete hypocrite right now, but i want you to know that i am sorry.






and one last thing, "i'm sorry" creates a weakness, not forgiveness with me. don't overuse it--

Frailty

we could live through this day, and never see the end coming. that is what's so beautiful. one second you could be here, the next your life flashes before you eyes, and in the next second you could be gone.

it makes me appreciate what i have. it shows me what i have to work on. it dictates what i live for.




stay strong.

Letters to my...

Dear,
I don't always understand what you have to say, or why you say it...but I pretty much always follow you. I don't know if this is a good thing. Sometimes it makes me feel as though you have me tied up in chains. Sometimes it makes me feel like you are not ready to let me go. Sometimes I just want to take what you have to say and throw it out the window it makes me so mad.
I'm sorry that I treat you the same way, it's just that sometimes I cannot treat you any different because I see you doing the same things that he does. I want to get to a good place with you, it just seems to me that this will not be possible for a long time.

Dear,
I am excited that I met you, I am excited to see where this goes, even if it does not go anywhere. I was happy to be with you, and you made me feel wanted in a way that was different than most. It was simple, it helped me realize that I am ok, and that I've still got it.

Dear,
I am so glad that I have you in my life. I don't know where I would be without you, you are after all my First Lady. Every president needs their right hand (wo)man. I know we have many characteristics that make us different, but that is what holds us together. We can learn from eachother. We can share the heads and the tails, two sides of the same coin.

Dear,
You are amazing. I love you so much, and you can really make me laugh. I love that you can do that, and just be there for me even when we are only seeing eachother through messages on a computer screen. I need you, I miss you, I love you.

Dear,
I told you this before, you need to live your own life. I see a lot of me in you--and I don't want you to wind up feeling the same way that I do towards certain people. Take those chances, be that girl, live it up...don't give up. I will always be here for you!

Dear,
I call you at my weakest points, I don't know why. I guess because I feel that because I am sad, and you're a sorry sight, I feel bad saying that, but it's true. I feel so distressed, so split about you. Just like your personalities. I cannot figure you out, and I cannot figure out how I feel about it. I feel like I have to treat you like a little kid sometimes, and others I am looking for comfort even though I know that I am not likely to find it in you.
I know that I cannot treat you this way any longer, but I have to figure out for myself why it is that I am treating you in this way... I am not sorry that I am confused and that I may be confusing you. You have been around me for close to 19 years, you can wait a bit longer for me to get it.

Dear,
Thank you for all of my packages....they always keep my spirits high.

Dear,
I think that I am finally over it. I was over you, but then I realized that I was pissed at you all the time, and that I couldn't see you any more. I was going to try to avoid you. But now I feel that I am much better. I was not over you, but I am moving in that direction, and it feels good--like a release that has been much awaited.

Dear,
I see you in so many people around here, and think of you every time. You make me blush when I see you, I don't understand it and I can't explain why, but I can't wait to finally see you again.

Possums

i find myself strengthened.
i find myself somehow weaker.
i find myself beautiful.
i find myself ugly in treacherous ways.

i am both quiet and outspoken.
i am both sensitive and short.

i am to the point, i beat around the bush.

i am a living contradiction

The Library of Babel....

my favorite short story. i just read this for a class, and it seems to be the perfect metaphor for something. i am not quite sure whether that something is God, or Life, or just something, just a labyrinth concocted to confuse. it's often so round about that it makes so much sense, its hard for me not to understand it, but its hard for me to explain it.


read it

Glitz

have you ever noticed a lone fleck of glitter just sitting on an object. how it can glow and then if you move to a different spot it seems to disappear, just as the glint disappears...no longer visible. i feel like that piece of glitter right now. so mysterious, the center of attention one moment and the next faded into the background. its the center of attention that i am not so sure i like. i think that rather than people changing their view of me, i change my view for them, so that they can no longer see me. maybe i am looking for myself because all i ever see is the same glint, the same brightness, indistinguishable from anything else around me. i like to be in the background, but i am not sure i want to remain there, i think a part of me is fighting to make me visible to all.

Day 1: The Last

im sitting here watching the clock tick into forever, silence around me...pshyeah right. 10 seconds to go! 9, 8, 7, 6, tapping my foot nervously for lack of a pencil on my desk, 5, 4, 3, im going to have to practically run out of here- no, that would not be cool, i will saunter out...SMOOTH, 2, 1. i quickly get out of my desk and out the door before anyone else is even stands. nice, way to saunter out mr. smooth. i search the halls as i walk towards the door that leads to the end of another era and the beginning of a very different sort.

Fair

i am choosing to take this time to take about the current state of our celebrity media. we have all often heard about the dangers of anorexia, bulemia, and other eating disorders. we have all also heard about the "political incorrect"-ness or misrepresentation or total disregard for representation of all races and skin colors, types etc. i was just looking at the yahoo homepage, as i often use it for my only source of news in the american world (sad, i know it just seems to be the only source that is so in front of my face i cannot ignore it). i paged through all the popular "first-page" news headlines several intriguing me, "ways to prevent overeating", "control you anger", "obama ticks off las vegas" and more, but one in particular caught my attention.
the picture included several up-and-coming actresses, for "a new hollywood 2010" on the cover of a magazine that apparently made a horrific mistake. as i scrolled through and read the article i realized what this mistake was. after looking at the picture long enough (about five seconds)

you wouldnt even have to read the article to know what i am talking about. the girls on the cover are all about the same body-type (hollywood thin) and about the same pale color. they were also dressed in mute tones, and most were blond, few were brunette, and one was a red head. this mute coloring is supposed to evoke a more romantic sort of soft feathery feel that many people and designers are starting to yet again move away from, however it accentuates the fact that these girls all start to resemble each other, and one common household object for checking cake baked-ness and dental purposes: toothpicks.
i understand that our world (America) is concerned about health issues and the media is moving towards a more streamlined emaciated look, even more so than in past years as evidenced by the particularly thin batch of VS Angels at the show in december however, this is dangerous. we have all these programs to stop the obesity, we have programs to stop the eating disorders and others still to help the overall body image, but we constantly throw out these rail thin images. we contradict ourselves in the most horrific of ways; those who are obese or overweight remain that way because they figure that they can never fit into this new "norm", and the already thin continue to grow thinner to emulate these women who "work so hard" to keep their bodies looking like that. we should want a healthy image for all out there, an attainable goal, and a new healthy look.
our current disregard for all that we have worked for in the past decades for race have seemed to go down the tubes. i understand that many people would see nothing wrong with a slew of "white" women on the cover (i put that in quotes because apparently we don't need a politically correct name anymore, its just normal to be referred to as white amongst a lot of "african american" "native american" "asian american" "hawaiian"...and no longer--"caucasian"). regardless, many ethnicities may not find this cover a problem, but even i find a problem with it. we just put any old teen-y bopper on the cover who may have shown promise in a recent movie, but we do not acknowledge those who have actually accomplished and deserve the title of "a new hollywood". the article talks about these women, and discusses the comments that the editor makes about all the "pale" "button-nosed" "dewy wide-eyed" and get this, "ivory-soap-girl features". yes this may be a description of the girls here but how about the beautiful flawlessness of golden, tan and brown or black skin, or the silkiness of dark hair, or the smooth curves of any real woman out there? the facial features that make any woman distinct from anyone else?

must we live in a world where we strive to look indistinct from each other, must we all fit the rail-thin, curveless, pale, blond, wide eyed image in front of us?

i guess i should be happy they at least didn't say blue eyed, not that there's anything wrong with that but maybe we are moving away from this image slowly, maybe there is hope, maybe we can change it all.