You don't even know...

i don't even know what to say right now... what i am feeling or what i want to feel...or how to express myself so please excuse me for my randomness...and i'm just going with a stream of conscience here so it won't make too much sense.

i'm still so mad at you.
i'm still never going to be friends with you.
i don't know what i am supposed to be feeling right now at graduation because to me it doesn't feel like anything.
i still dislike you, probably the most out of everyone that i know.
i will be so upset if you let her in.
i will be out on the porch all night long...a loner.
i don't want to spend that much time with people that are so rude and caught up in themselves and the details that make other people themselves.
i want to do things that aren't good for me.
sometimes when i run it's like my self mutilation...and thats all i think about because i run till it hurts and still continue.
i want to meet you and just get started.
i want to go away with no inhibitions.
people need to speak up if they feel left out an suggest a topic about themselves if they feel the talk is too focused on another person.
i don't think that ill ever be able to get over this.
it's not worth it.
i will be so glad when we get back because i won't have to keep up anything fake.
i don't understand why you can't just grow up.
you're older than me and yet you are so sheltered you act like you are about five years younger than me.
i really want to hang out with you more, and wish i had because i think right now i can be satisfied saying you are one of my better friends.
i want to do things that will get me in trouble.
i wish that you could see the looks i am giving you behind the shields of my eyes.
i am so glad that i won't have to have anything to do with you after this.
actually that's a lie, i don't really know how i feel about that and thats more upsetting than being with you.
i want you to come back safe.
i want you to leave me alone.
i am using you.
you need to grow up.
i feel so left out.