Scattered

ugh... the closer that it gets to that time, the more i think about it.

why is it that when i have something else to distract me i am still thinking about the previous thing that was in my possession and when i move onto the next something else, this current something will still be on my mind. last time i thought that it would never stop, but then i stopped and got over it. right now i have nothing in my possession, i mean nothing to call mine so the situation is a little different but i can't stop thinking about it. it's like the current is not as good as the previous even though it clearly is better than the previous. i just don't know if anything will really be better.

sometimes i wonder why i did the things i did, when i look back at those fleeting moments. and i can't picture them happening. others i can. does that mean that the things i can picture should have happened, and those that i can't shouldn't have. or is it just a way to move on from these somethings? was it wrong, was it right, was it leading you somewhere in the future? when you believe that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, and you can't really find a reason for those things happening, what do you do? where do you go? do you wait for a reason? do you try and figure it out? or do you keep plowing forward and assume that the reason will pop up somewhere somehow?

when you can't have something, how come you want it so bad? is it the temptation that makes it fun? the chase? because many times, i've gotten to that forbidden thing, and it's not so great anymore, it's conquered, it's been there done that, it's over with. it's no longer forbidden. but when you can't have it every fiber of you being curls up, or vibrates in this little dance that makes your skin bump, and your hair stand on end- your stomach literally gets butterflies, not the little nervous feeling but the whole body effect, and your adrenaline rush. you have a physical need and nothing can go on, or be focused or concentrated on until you once again get a glimpse, but not a stare. no that would be too much. the thrill is being so close but yet so far away. like, oh yeah it's just around the corner....but the corner is like 10 blocks away. well i am going to have that feeling soon, i can tell that its approaching, because i have the beginnings- constant thought, occasional chills and aches.