ringing

why is it that we must be programmed, and then reprogrammed all our lives? is one way not sufficient? with the current dynamics i guess not. we must constantly change to fit the ever-changing mold of expectations. is there ever a time when just being us will be ok? when does that time come?

have you ever payed attention to what people do when you step onto the elevator?

i like that he took chances because it meant that he was still scared, innocent.

i know what its like to feel the need to hurt yourself. i felt the rfrenzy three times today alone. its not scary, its not like "i want to hurt myself so im going to try" its more like you get this frenzy that won't stop itself. you cant even feel pain, its like nothing else i've ever experienced. its a release that we look for, therefore pain is not involved. its the rush knowing that you are going to see an end result, something you know you can control...

i see you standing there.

i walk blindly through the world, and if i pass you by without acknowledgment don't take it personally.
i feel as though my eyes are merely there to show me the destination, anything between the previous and the next in line blurs by.
i see things, but i cannot respond. my eyes do not truly allow me to see. it's like a taunting.

ΑΔ ΓΣΣ ♥

"
'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
'They called me the hyacinth girl.'
--Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Od' und leer das Meer.
"

thinking today

did you think that by talking to other people in that way it would make you seem like a more attractive person? i noticed today that you have stopped doing that, and as i think more about it, you stopped doing that pretty quickly after i stopped acknowledging you. do i have that great an impact? am i supposed to be jealous of you giving more than the time of day to other people? does it not matter anymore once i stop giving you the time of day? i just don't understand that thought process.

"this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper"


are you ready?

who knew?

mn
pn
kn
and n


all make the same sound at the beginning of different words. our language...

i want to wear white.
i want to hold orange lilies and black orchids.
i want white tulips to be thrown.
i want orange toes and clear fingers.
i want a thin white headband with a big white flower.
i want to wear cute white flats or slippers so that my feet won't hurt for
eternity.
i want a little bit of makeup and reddish coral lipstick.
i want it to be a celebration of my life, not a mourning of my death.
i want my plaque to be bronze.
i want it to read "I Love You." so that every time someone visits me, they
will know of at least one person out there who does.
i want to be there when people find out.
i want to be able to hold their faces and wipe away tears and hug them
close to me.

this is what i want.

Matthew 20:28

can i call you billiam?

the words she writes are poetry, but
they cannot be read as such like a rhyme...
they cannot be sung like a song with a melody....
they cannot be narrated like a story....
they cannot be deciphered like those of a letter to a lover....


her words were meant for the soul, no being can understand the true light behind them.
there is not a system.
it is not a game.
there is no light to be shed upon them.

she leaves it simply "more fun to figure out".


if things were too easy to figure out, people would not have fun, women would not "catch" their men, and people would not be happy. it is the curiosities of life that make it not so monotonous.

i feel like i let people run my life, but i don't know how to change that. i need to find my own voice and not hang so intently onto what other people have to do and say.

i feel like without those people though, i will not know who i am.


how can i know who i am if i have lived by other people for so long.



how do i find myself?

offended.

i'm sorry, but to hear that come out was just like-- i am not sure if i know who you are. we have been stepping on eachothers' toes a lot more lately. and then to hear that you don't like me this morning? so you can just choose which days you like me. we are friends, we work through this stuff, i understand i may not be your favorite person at times, or at any time-- but i allow you certain courtesies that i think i should be allowed as well.

i always used to interrupt you...not because i didn't want to hear what you had to say, but because i was trying to make sure that i had straight in my head what you were trying to tell me, or because i had a good question or point to bring up that when you keep talking i knew i would forget.

sometimes i feel like you keep talking, and i allow you to just do that, because you want to dominate the conversation because you want to be right. of course you do, who doesn't? even i do that, but i feel like that's been happening a lot more lately and i am sick of being cut off. just waiting for you to finish your point, and finding that i have forgotten mine.

you don't do it on purpose i know, but maybe i do have a valid point that i would like to bring up. and i guess because you feel as though i interrupted you for so long maybe now how you deal with it is you just tell me to be quiet so that you can talk-- and i just let you walk all over that.

i'm not mad...i just think that if we keep doing this we may not stay together. maybe we are diverging and maybe not. regardless if this makes us stronger then so be it, if it weakens us-- i am sorry. but for what? the fact that i could not "agree to disagree" anymore. there are some things that are just too important to be left that way.

before i saw growth, now i just see retaliation.
maybe it's the way that i say things because any other person of the same background might understand light heartedly but you take it literal because you have not grown up in the same tradition. maybe you are questioning because it sounds absolutely ridiculous or "stupid" but to me, that is sort of ignorant. you are not an ignorant person. you are smart, and i don't see you any other way, so i want you to acknowledge the things that i do with the same reverence that i have for your practices.

maybe sometimes i do say that stuff is ridiculous, and maybe you do get offended when i say things like that. i am sorry for those times. maybe i am being a complete hypocrite right now, but i want you to know that i am sorry.






and one last thing, "i'm sorry" creates a weakness, not forgiveness with me. don't overuse it--

Frailty

we could live through this day, and never see the end coming. that is what's so beautiful. one second you could be here, the next your life flashes before you eyes, and in the next second you could be gone.

it makes me appreciate what i have. it shows me what i have to work on. it dictates what i live for.




stay strong.

Letters to my...

Dear,
I don't always understand what you have to say, or why you say it...but I pretty much always follow you. I don't know if this is a good thing. Sometimes it makes me feel as though you have me tied up in chains. Sometimes it makes me feel like you are not ready to let me go. Sometimes I just want to take what you have to say and throw it out the window it makes me so mad.
I'm sorry that I treat you the same way, it's just that sometimes I cannot treat you any different because I see you doing the same things that he does. I want to get to a good place with you, it just seems to me that this will not be possible for a long time.

Dear,
I am excited that I met you, I am excited to see where this goes, even if it does not go anywhere. I was happy to be with you, and you made me feel wanted in a way that was different than most. It was simple, it helped me realize that I am ok, and that I've still got it.

Dear,
I am so glad that I have you in my life. I don't know where I would be without you, you are after all my First Lady. Every president needs their right hand (wo)man. I know we have many characteristics that make us different, but that is what holds us together. We can learn from eachother. We can share the heads and the tails, two sides of the same coin.

Dear,
You are amazing. I love you so much, and you can really make me laugh. I love that you can do that, and just be there for me even when we are only seeing eachother through messages on a computer screen. I need you, I miss you, I love you.

Dear,
I told you this before, you need to live your own life. I see a lot of me in you--and I don't want you to wind up feeling the same way that I do towards certain people. Take those chances, be that girl, live it up...don't give up. I will always be here for you!

Dear,
I call you at my weakest points, I don't know why. I guess because I feel that because I am sad, and you're a sorry sight, I feel bad saying that, but it's true. I feel so distressed, so split about you. Just like your personalities. I cannot figure you out, and I cannot figure out how I feel about it. I feel like I have to treat you like a little kid sometimes, and others I am looking for comfort even though I know that I am not likely to find it in you.
I know that I cannot treat you this way any longer, but I have to figure out for myself why it is that I am treating you in this way... I am not sorry that I am confused and that I may be confusing you. You have been around me for close to 19 years, you can wait a bit longer for me to get it.

Dear,
Thank you for all of my packages....they always keep my spirits high.

Dear,
I think that I am finally over it. I was over you, but then I realized that I was pissed at you all the time, and that I couldn't see you any more. I was going to try to avoid you. But now I feel that I am much better. I was not over you, but I am moving in that direction, and it feels good--like a release that has been much awaited.

Dear,
I see you in so many people around here, and think of you every time. You make me blush when I see you, I don't understand it and I can't explain why, but I can't wait to finally see you again.

Possums

i find myself strengthened.
i find myself somehow weaker.
i find myself beautiful.
i find myself ugly in treacherous ways.

i am both quiet and outspoken.
i am both sensitive and short.

i am to the point, i beat around the bush.

i am a living contradiction

The Library of Babel....

my favorite short story. i just read this for a class, and it seems to be the perfect metaphor for something. i am not quite sure whether that something is God, or Life, or just something, just a labyrinth concocted to confuse. it's often so round about that it makes so much sense, its hard for me not to understand it, but its hard for me to explain it.


read it