i know what its like to feel the need to hurt yourself. i felt the rfrenzy three times today alone. its not scary, its not like "i want to hurt myself so im going to try" its more like you get this frenzy that won't stop itself. you cant even feel pain, its like nothing else i've ever experienced. its a release that we look for, therefore pain is not involved. its the rush knowing that you are going to see an end result, something you know you can control...

i see you standing there.

i walk blindly through the world, and if i pass you by without acknowledgment don't take it personally.
i feel as though my eyes are merely there to show me the destination, anything between the previous and the next in line blurs by.
i see things, but i cannot respond. my eyes do not truly allow me to see. it's like a taunting.

ΑΔ ΓΣΣ ♥

"
'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
'They called me the hyacinth girl.'
--Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Od' und leer das Meer.
"

thinking today

did you think that by talking to other people in that way it would make you seem like a more attractive person? i noticed today that you have stopped doing that, and as i think more about it, you stopped doing that pretty quickly after i stopped acknowledging you. do i have that great an impact? am i supposed to be jealous of you giving more than the time of day to other people? does it not matter anymore once i stop giving you the time of day? i just don't understand that thought process.

"this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper"


are you ready?

who knew?

mn
pn
kn
and n


all make the same sound at the beginning of different words. our language...

i want to wear white.
i want to hold orange lilies and black orchids.
i want white tulips to be thrown.
i want orange toes and clear fingers.
i want a thin white headband with a big white flower.
i want to wear cute white flats or slippers so that my feet won't hurt for
eternity.
i want a little bit of makeup and reddish coral lipstick.
i want it to be a celebration of my life, not a mourning of my death.
i want my plaque to be bronze.
i want it to read "I Love You." so that every time someone visits me, they
will know of at least one person out there who does.
i want to be there when people find out.
i want to be able to hold their faces and wipe away tears and hug them
close to me.

this is what i want.

Matthew 20:28