dont worry...you'll be skinny again in the morning.

mom called the cops on dad"he wants to play hardball?...two can play that game."

I think its time to grow up

its funny how certain people change, and how others are still on the "i can't think for myself yet" clock. i was walking through the mall the other day and was very nervous about seeing people i know because i just didnt want to get into that. i am a very shy person, and very awkward at times; i just didnt want to get into any unnecessary awkwardness with past people that i had known. however, as i walked over a bridge i found my hand raising with a mind of its own, and a smile spreading across my face as the word "hey" came out of my mouth. there was a boy that i recognized walking towards me with a girl whom i did not recognize. he did one of those finger waves...you know the ones guys give where they raise their hands no more than a inch, palm down toward the ground, two fingers outstretched, and no higher than the waist. i wasnt sure whether this was because of the girl he was with, or if he still thought that i wasnt good enough to say hi to, or if he just realized too late that it was me saying hi. with new found popularity in the last year of highschool, i wasnt sure whether he was still ruled by that coolness even though we had participated in a group together for six years during school. i know now why it is that the people who would walk right by you in school all of a sudden act like you were best friends when they see you around college campus...its nice to have someone you have something in common with, a familiar face, someone to associate with even if you couldnt ave been friends in the immature scenes and bounds often found in highschool. if it had been anyone else from that particular "high class" group from highschool, i would have gotten a wave and a smile, but i guess maybe he just got too caught up in the status and it carried through to college. some guys will never get over that holier than thou act because it makes them feel better even if just for a second. i just wish that some people would grow up and get over their old bounds to grow towards new people and past old relationships that keep them tied to the highschool way.

Miss Negtivity

have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself...wow i want to be just like him or her?

i think we all do that sometimes. we see all the beautiful parts of someone, the parts that we want to see while simply missing all those beautiful parts in ourselves.

images are constantly passing right in front of us, making us all jealous beings. we need to take the time to find the beautiful things right inside.

one woman was going through a sort of therapy session because she was always so negative towards herself, this can be a result of wanting all those beautiful things that others possess and not acknowledging our own beauties.

anyway, in this therapy session she was told to make a list of 50 things that she liked about herself. while this may seem rather narcissistic, i dont think that any of us take enough time in the day to tell ourselves how special we really are, and what we like about ourselves.

when you focus on the negative, it can only become a habit, and ive found im sick of it, but its so terribly hard to break the habit.

i have a problem

i tend to give too much information out to people...apparently.

so apparently this gives people the right to hurt me...or maybe its me allowing them to hurt me.

i forget.

but anyway, i tried tonight to not tell someone too much, and i succeeded...i think, i hope.

i think that i am going to go nutso... i need to figure things out, i need to do things, like physical stuff, and i need to scream, run till i cant breath anymore, or till i puke, or till i fall down and cant get up.

sometimes i feel like running is my escape, it allows me to hurt myself without it being a bad way to hurt, i just have so much going on right now i dont know where to start.

on the outside i may appear normal, but its getting hard to keep up the appearances...

i think i need to see someone

you liked me
you just liked me a little too much

and we both got burned







*slow dancing in a burning room*

happiness may start out as a sad outward attempt to charm other people and convince yourself that you yourself are happy. however in the end, while living a life in the pretense i think that you can actually lead yourself to happiness.




happiness cannot find itself in windtunnels.

i didn't know i was that scary

the only sound comes from the clatter of the spoons hitting the bowls, not form the expected chatter at the table though we have not spoken for awhile now. the only ice on the table sits in my cup though they all know that i am the only one who cant stand ice in my drinks unless its with a straw, it stands on the table untouched as all the other liquid diminishes. the only signs of a salad begin and end with the croutons sitting between my mom and my sister who sits across from me, thus there is not any passing of dishes just of eyes over the whole scene, not even catching on the people sitting around the table. the only warmth comes from the lights hanging above us, none from the conversation that is nonexistant.

what has happened here? everything is so stagnant, so tense at moments, people are broken and hurting beyond potential to be fixed, and i have to stay here for the remainder of the break where i am the only one who no longer belongs.

Help me!

i'm drowning

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”

i am living in the future of yesterday, the future of today is tomorrow, but what does the future of tomorrow hold?

i see you falling, And i want to help you, But you need to be willing to change yourself

why in the world would a person be genuinely smart, but do badly on tests? how can you have so much information stored in your head, information to be found on the test, yet they can't pull higher than a 55 percent?

do you crack under pressure?

do you only talk about the things that you know so knowingly, and not about anything else because that would make you seem dumb?

i want to know how you can be so smart, but you choose to do such dumb things and then act like you dont care about your grades as a result.

you see your aspirations being crushed, shot down, getting farther out of reach; so far that you may have to change what you are going for because what you really want to do, what you really love to do will no longer be attainable.

why do this to yourself?


maybe this is my greatest fault...
seeing the faults of others and wanting to help them change, not being able to bear what they are doing to themselves. i cant seem to get over that and go for people who dont need to be fixed...i need to focus on finding someone who has goals and can go after them-- not perfect, not without fault or change needed but someone who has aspirations and sticks to what they want, and who doesnt just give up a goal because they want to do dumb things instead and just brush the important stuff aside.


BALANCE.

how come?

how come you care so much?
i feel like you shouldnt anymore
maybe you dont and youre right that i am just making a big deal out of this
how come you tell me to be with them?
how come you care so much about that?
how come you talk to them and its about me?
do you not have anything better to talk about?
how come they wont hang out with me because of that?
how come anything that they have to talk to you about is me?
i was not that big a part of your life...and you werent a big part of mine.
i hate acting the way that i do towards you
i just want to be normal
but what would we talk about?
how come you have nothing to talk to me about except for this?
do you want to keep talking to me but you just dont have anything else to talk to me about?
i hate how it makes me.
i wish that people could just grow up

and get over it

and leave me out of it










is your life really that boring that you have to talk about events in my life that seem miniscule compared to where you are?

how come you tried to make me look weak....or bad...to the one person you know that i had a connection with....
thats what i hate,
from my perspective,
because i cannot talk to you
because i do not know for sure who you are,
you tried to make me look bad

why would you do that?

ive done nothing to you at all

thats what i cant tell either of you...
because it will inevitably end up in the other persons hands

when i feel like not talking anymore, you will know

there will be signs

Get a handle on it!

looking back at how i have changed these past two and a half months, i see who i was, how i have changed, and who i have become. i get all of this from looking at one simple picture. it may just be the lighting in this particular picture, but my face is literally lit up and glowing, i actually look completely carefree at this one particular moment. this picture was not supposed to be snapped, its one of those candid shots, you know the ones that just kinda get taken by mistake? well thats what this was. i look so obliviously joyous. i want to be that girl again. i want to be that smiling carefree simple girl. i miss her.

when did things get so complicated?

i dont think that any of my thought processes have changed at all, those have always been quite complicated, but my life.....has simply changed to something that i can no longer handle. i feel like i am constantly crashing, and not only that, but crashing farther and farther. there is not a platfor m with stairs leading back to the level where i previousy was located, i just keep falling...

she's such a beautiful awkward.

there is nothing more beautiful than young innocence and jubilee.

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything."

Nietzsche

I love to see you squirm

Need to Know

it doesnt bother me that i know we are not speaking, it bothers me that i cannot know what you are thinking....

it doesnt just bother me, its driving me insane!

but i can't do anything about it because in my mind that would make me the lesser of the two and i just cannot deal with that...this whole situation i have been the lesser, and i can stand for it no more.

tomorrow i will probably wind up breaking the silence anyway because i am just a "need to know" kind of person

ordinary

"ordinary here does not mean plain, dull , or commonplace; it means 'measured,' 'ordered.'"

dont you already feel like enough of an idiot? why do you keep doing this to yourself?

Bedroom buddies.

wow is ll i have to say...or like really?


would i really do bad things? are you finally getting sick of this?


good me too. im not the kind who just gives you whatever you want, im not the kind who just likes to settle right in like that


im dancing tonight....no matter who with, im dancing, and youre not invited...sorry. youre in it for the wrong reasons. i cannot be your bedroom buddy....your closet freak

The Boy Sheets

everytime i change my sheets, the boy changes as well...correlation? maybe i should change my sheets less often? or maybe i should have the boy change my sheets with me...keep it interesting

i wait here in the dark, i sit here in the cold. bring me the light, come with your warmth.

"we've all experienced withering crops"

those times when nothing seems to go your way, those times when no matter how hard you try, there will be no end profit or success.

Set Free

i just dont understand how i can think one thing completely with every fiber and then not feel the same way after going against my feeling. maybe it wasnt what i wanted. maybe i just needed something, someone at the time to show me what i am really out here for. maybe im ok with that, but maybe thats not a good thing. well see tonights gonna set me free

"forget about your boyfriend...and meet me at the hotel room..."

"so get on the floor and dance with me....cuz dancins free"


i beg to differ

What is the difference between the soul and the spirit? And how can they be divided?

Why?

1. are there so many things that are "known" that make me go nuts?
2. do these things make me think otherwise about you?
3. do i believe them in the first place?
4. can't i just figure you out?
5. do i care so much in the first place?
6. do i go all red and get butterflies when i had decided to just let it go?
7. did i feel like it was a sign when its turning out like this?


is it supposed to go like this? i mean, obviously because otherwise it wouldn't be happening right?


8. can't i figure out exactly what i want?
9. do i just blow you off (in my opinion)?
10. do our conversations not really flow?
11. do you smile everytime you see me? are you just being nice?
12. do i have so many questions?
13. are they all about you?
14. can't you just tell me?


i'm a kinda have to know kind of girl, i don't put up with this stuff and this feeling for very long.

"a woman's heart [holds secrets] like a deep ocean [holds water]...and he exists now only in my memory"

Udonno Bodle:

"you and i don't share no common bonds, so forgive me if i don't receive you with open arms"

this is for you... i just can't believe you anymore, you never cease to amaze me with your "ultraviolet awesomeness" and your nonchalant "yo dude i just saw so much $*!%" attitude.

Attention:

why oh why do i do this to myself?

i work myself into a stupor and can no longer figure out what i really want. maybe it's because i really DON'T want it but i feel bad about it because i have led you to the belief that i do IDK

CONFUSED

Chalkboards

when you wipe your hand across the white chalk written on the green board and your hand becomes stained with the white dusty powder, the only thing that i can imagine is that hand wiping right across my jugular or the veins in my arms and my open smooth stomach or intestines and feeling rough, leaving behind a dry dusty organ that can no longer slide around inside of me like its supposed to. it makes me so sick, and i don't know why in the world i think about that but i can't stand it!

Laughter

the sound is so pure, its one sound you really can't fake, because when you do its just, well...fake

Light Bulbs

why do we choose to drive ourselves mad over things we cannot change? why do we choose to stumble around in the dark like mindless idiots? why do we choose to make life so complex when it can really be so simple?

life is really not as hard as we make it. as human beings we live for that complexity and we make it that way. we don't like to just see right through to the other side so we make obstacles for ourselves. we try to put up walls to create a chase, a blind spot. we try with all our might to then understand what is really going on when if we had just left well enough alone we would know what was happening.

we create these stories in our minds to make up for what we do not know, when if we really think about it hard enough we can probably come up with the answer ourselves. yes human beings are each pretty unique, but our innerworkings are pretty much the same. the clouds that exist in our minds exist in other peoples' minds as well. just as the clarity in our minds exists in other peoples' minds.

you don't have to go looking farther than yourself for an answer. think rationally, logically or better yet, keep a clear mind. turn the lights on to get out of the dark. and keep things simple, break them down. you'll figure it out soon enough.

my veins are popping with a rush caused by you!

Love, Sex and Maybe Marriage

"Love is not selfish, possessive, or demanding, or a proprietary right over the other. Love is never submission or dominance, emotional coercion, or manipulation. Love is not the desperate attempt to deny aloneness or the search for security that may couples manifest in their desire for a fused identity. "

If love is not any of these, then why do so many settle for this exactly?

Life Saver

if you just saved someones life how would you feel?


ehh it wouldn't be that big a deal...



really? i'd feel amazing



i guess that's just because that's what you're supposed to do if they are in trouble

"Hook-Up Culture"

are you really that afraid of love, or did you just want a hook-up?

every woman has exactly the love life she wants...

Paparazzi

why do you put photos up for the world to see, now one really cares that much, and it should be something special to be shared between the people in the picture. don't advertise you stupidity to the world, it just makes you look...stupid. other pictures its almost like "look at me" "look at my domain I OWN these people! LOOK!" its just annoying to have to live your life through the pictures where i don't exist...in the same breath, i love being a hypocrite.

emotional weekend, but i have now given you up

Loss of contact with the outside world

except for You

why is it so easy to eat an entire jar of salsa at 11:15 pm?

Label

You were surprised i'd never had a somebody. you said that it must be boring with nobodies. You said that i could try a somebody and if i didn't like it go back to being a nobody. i don't know if i can do that, i don't know if i want you to be my somebody. i don't know if i even want the label "somebody". it scares me.
i wouldn't do anything different than if i really were your somebody, its just the label. if you need the label to stay, then thats what you have to do, but don't mention the label to me, i won't be able to stop thinking about what thats supposed to mean. if thats scaredy cat sorry, if thats a cop out, sorry.
if this is my way to maybe let myself think that its ok to be with a somebody that maybe i shouldnt be with, then i need to figure that out. i need to know more about you before this. i need to take my time, maybe i am too slow to be your somebody, and maybe that label somebody makes me feel as if there are things i am supposed to do that i should be able to decide on my own, but if the labels there i will do it before i am ready. i cannot sacrifice myself and m beliefs just to be your somebody. i cannot do everything that you want me to do. if you need someone faster paced, then i would suggest that you look somewhere else. if you think that you can respect me enough and wait for me then maybe you can be my somebody.
i feel like feeling tied down is part of being a somebody, but its not supposed to be a burden, and i feel like if i am feeling that way then you are too. and i don't really think thats fair. i think like i said that to be my somebody, i need to take this VERY slow, and i don't really think that you want to but we'll just see.
we both have tests to pass, mine is living up to the label, and yours is being patient for me to be ok with everything that a somebody entails.






*i also think that maybe you don't take this as seriously as i do and thats why i am so afraid

water

every time i look in my cup expecting to see some clear liquid in there shining my reflection back at me, and every time...its empty

do ya know do ya know do ya know do ya?

you're back!

i have so much to say that idk how to say it...

i think that i am going to just not say anything at all, for right now at least i think that its better that way

i feel like my heart's on the fly...


both literally and figuratively,

literally i think that i just consumed way too much orange pop and my heart just keeps doing this annoying fluttering...idk if thats really all that good

figuratively one day i am up the other i am down, one day i want him and the next i don't i cannot for the life of me figure out what to do. there are so many choices.


why is it that those we do not necessarily see as right for us are the easy ones for us to talk to...is it supposed to be that way with those we wind up with, or are beginnings always so awkward. i think not. i've had many beginnings thus far, and some are awkward, and some are not, it just so happens that i am not interested in anything all that much right now.


back to literally, how can my heart be fluttering away in my chest when my leadened eyes cannot seem to stay open and focused? why does my brain not function, but my heart pumps away?

people are just sick

it never ceases to amaze me

Physical contact

NECESSARY!

ugh....why o why do we confuse ourselves so easily? i think that we just jump on the first thing that comes along that remotely resembles what we really want. every time that opportunity arises we are the first to jump on it, there's almost a negative time elapse

malignant narcissist

not quite God high, but it was a fun night!

I finally feel the place where i fit in...i think that i am slowly crawling out from behind the wall that separates me from the rest of society

Accomplished

life seems to just be flying by... its only been barely three weeks, and looking back it feels like years ago that i arrived, but at the same time days come and go as if no time has passed at all. everyday is pretty much the same thing, but the variety of activities makes them all seem so much different. my mom told me to enjoy it because once it starts, its already over...i think that i have finally mastered the art of shaving in the shower, and id say that's a pretty big accomplishment in college...one of the first tests i am able to pass...lets just keep that positive attitude and keep it all rolling

wow is all i have to say....it's supposed to be like a right of passage or something...something fun that you cant really turn down because of peer pressure...yet i walk out and away crying, literally.

i don't wish that i could be any different i just don't understand how its so easy for other people

Quotes from Fran Kick: Motivational Speaker

"how come the first time is always the best time" (it's only good one time because we know what to expect after that....this is referring to growing up, he compared it to the first hill of a roller coaster, and how we always complain, but when we are young, we have not a care in the world and all we want to do is ride on and ride on because every time is just like the first, and that's what we like about it).

"you must give good kisses to receive good kisses; so be a good kisser!" (he says that we don't have a very long attention span so he has to introduce things, and speak in ways that will keep us captivated...he doesn't really mean it literally, well he does but he means you get out of something exactly what you put in and so if you don't complain but stick it out and try your hardest, chances are you will have fun doing it and it will be easier and you will get more out of whatever you are trying to accomplish).

there is a triangle :

fun -------> good -------> work

often times, things that you are good at are fun...but to be good at something you have to work at it....and if you are having fun being good at it, you are working at it because you are doing whatever it is you are good at and having fun doing.

with this explanation, i can see where he is coming from, but i beg to differ on this particular point, i LOVE track, i have fun doing it, it is a high above all others...uh duh, endorphins. but anyway, i did work at track, and i was good at it, maybe not for the team, but for myself i was good enough for me when i was having fun. anyway, i continued being good, and working hard, but i wasn't having fun anymore...the triangle was broken, it just became something i HAD to do because i couldn't an wouldn't quit. but if i'm working at it shouldn't i be having fun? according to Fran. but...this was not true because the people involved were not fun...i guess i have to take a step back and realize it's not the track triangle that bothered me, it was my people skills triangle. i'm not good at meeting people, it's not fun for me because it winds up being awkward, and i can't work at it because it's awkward, and really how do you work on people skills without being fake...so it is that triangle that i failed...the people skills triangle, and that one was intertwined with the track triangle so i no longer was having fun, thus i quit. so i guess that he really was right, about the triangle thing because i still love track and working at it, it's really not track that i quit, it's people that i quit. and now looking back, i do feel a bit sorry that i let my stupidity and stubbornness get in the way.

whats good about life now?


nothing is censored.....nothing

first day.....o boy its actually here, but it still doesnt feel like it

why is it that i can find you wherever i go? can't i just be done with it? why is it that you like to make me so confused....i really just want to find someone that i can say i really get along with. one that is just like me


i want to be with people who are not me....is it all superficial? do i just want to look good in front of other people? i feel like sometimes i am those shallow people just because i only want to be with them....like they have the most fun or something....do they really? no, their world is just as filled with disappointment, and if not more so with deceit than the one that i belong to.


i feel like sometimes you are with them for the same reasons that i am looking for them, and maybe you are not as comfortable as you seem to let on all the time. but maybe that really is who you are. i think that you are a better person than her though, i really think that you need to see that...but i can't make you because you are closer to her, and because you have to see it and believe it for yourself. don't be a pushover...don't laugh like you enjoy knowing that you're a pushover. see through it all and break free.

uh huh, i guess that what i said last night was true... good byes really weren't that hard, and you make it so much easier when you do this...

Welcome to the world

hello new life...

tiny space,
damp air,
huge furniture,
dim light


wow you suck!

'tis sad to say good-bye.... ha, right.

" 'There was an attraction,' he said carefully, 'but it was more than that.' [we broke up a few times and i started to date other girls, but their shine demolished, i had hyped them up in my mind]. 'I could see that she had never been less than what I'd figured her to be. If anything, she was always better than I had remembered. And that's what I think love is,' he said quietly. 'When your hind sight's twenty-twenty, and you wouldn't change a thing.' "

ANSWER ME!

ME.

the true thoughts and interworkings.






you don't want to know.

In Love with Myself

i don't think that i am quite there yet, but i'm getting there.
i long for the day that becomes true

i talked to someone today; someone i didn't know. it was ok, let's just say that it could have been A LOT more awkward, but i think that i did well for stepping out of my shell a little.

mhmm...




you know sometimes i surprise myself. i think that we all do that sometimes. i guess sometimes i don't even realize what i am doing and what it means; but then later i come across something and bam...and epiphany. sometimes i don't realize that i have these feeling bottled up inside me because i hide them even from myself. if i can't trust me then who can i trust. maybe it's for the best because in the end it always turns out better than when it started.

here

i feel like one of these nights i am going to say your name in my head amongst all of my deepest thoughts and you are going to be right there beside my bed calling my name back in real life, "katie, i am here"

you make me so sad

i don't know what else to say

just sat down and had myself a good cry

it looks as if i didn't even recognize the games i was playing with other people and the hard exterior i build up in front of my vulnerable self.

Scattered

ugh... the closer that it gets to that time, the more i think about it.

why is it that when i have something else to distract me i am still thinking about the previous thing that was in my possession and when i move onto the next something else, this current something will still be on my mind. last time i thought that it would never stop, but then i stopped and got over it. right now i have nothing in my possession, i mean nothing to call mine so the situation is a little different but i can't stop thinking about it. it's like the current is not as good as the previous even though it clearly is better than the previous. i just don't know if anything will really be better.

sometimes i wonder why i did the things i did, when i look back at those fleeting moments. and i can't picture them happening. others i can. does that mean that the things i can picture should have happened, and those that i can't shouldn't have. or is it just a way to move on from these somethings? was it wrong, was it right, was it leading you somewhere in the future? when you believe that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, and you can't really find a reason for those things happening, what do you do? where do you go? do you wait for a reason? do you try and figure it out? or do you keep plowing forward and assume that the reason will pop up somewhere somehow?

when you can't have something, how come you want it so bad? is it the temptation that makes it fun? the chase? because many times, i've gotten to that forbidden thing, and it's not so great anymore, it's conquered, it's been there done that, it's over with. it's no longer forbidden. but when you can't have it every fiber of you being curls up, or vibrates in this little dance that makes your skin bump, and your hair stand on end- your stomach literally gets butterflies, not the little nervous feeling but the whole body effect, and your adrenaline rush. you have a physical need and nothing can go on, or be focused or concentrated on until you once again get a glimpse, but not a stare. no that would be too much. the thrill is being so close but yet so far away. like, oh yeah it's just around the corner....but the corner is like 10 blocks away. well i am going to have that feeling soon, i can tell that its approaching, because i have the beginnings- constant thought, occasional chills and aches.

DISSSSS.....

that has to be the suckiest feeling. you are only the leader of the free world, and yet they wanted a previous leader over you, or anyone else. all i can say is wow that definitely tells you something.

just drove nine hours through like 10 cities to get from maine to home...by myself, NYC been there, and conquered rush hour...how do ya like me now?

i feel like dancing the night just not dancing the night away....i would then have to live in the reality of the next day, and right now is where i want to stay forever.

i still hate you for that

and i hope that you read this someday and know exactly what i am talking about

So...this is what i know about you.

YOU

1. shower people with compliments
2. get surprised when people can out loud you
3. love flirting
4. like newton faulkner
5. are afraid of commitment
6. disappoint many
   
7. confuse many
8. cannot hold a conversation very well
9. like to wear colorful shoes
10. can control every feeling except for that of lust
11. catch people's attention with your looks
12. i love your laugh
13. i could listen to your voice all day
14. are quirky
15. are easy to be with
16. are confused with your brother
17. perceived as something different than you portray
18. try to keep your life on track
19. deceived me whether you liked it or meant to or not
    

Why is it...I mean, HOW is it that we can simply "fall out of love"?

la dee da

its not good to have any one thing more than any other thing, you have to share all the things in the world...

Vacation

=
Jack Johnson
+
John Mayer

Us

even though i miss everything, im glad that i didn't text. i can't say that i would've regretted doing it, but i am happy this way too.

Umbrella

at the beach.
people tanning.
sans umbrella, the whole day?
jealous much?
uhhhh YES!

Positivity

i have to be more positive...people will like it better and conversations won't end after my short responses; there will be more to say, and more to talk about. but i have to practice because i have a feeling that since i am not used to it, it's going to get a tad awkward.

Minnesota

................................moving.................................

"cellular at SEA"

this is exactly what my phone told me for the last five days...rather annoying actually, because it only allows for emergency calls. but if the cellular was indeed at SEA, who would i call that would know where i was and how to rescue me.


it was so laid back to be out there listening to the waves crash and feeling the drone of the engines and the weight of the ship floating over the massive body of water. it was so relaxing to be apart from all that tied me to this technological world. just being with people, and talking, not facebooking or im-ing or being on the computer for anything less than 7.95 a minute, no calls, no texts, no newspapers, or tv. it was nice.

and now its nice to be refreshed and to be back with my lovely technology. but i have to say it was kind of like a tech detox, and it was good for me.

i am getting you fixed...21 bucks and my love is pure!

my city!

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!

i will not judge...anything, ever

i will not judge the things you do because generally they help me to learn about things i have not yet experienced. i am too curious to judge especially when i know that i will soon find myself in situations like that. it's your life and they are your experiences, i don't know what it was like to be there, i don't know what it's like to have your thoughts, so i will never look at you like you're nuts or horrific. that reaction may show on my face but in my heart i am not locking you up on a high shelf, i really just want to know more...so please never fret telling me

take a break from all this crap and maybe things will be put into better perspective for everyone.

Sleepless nights, or mornings

9:15 pm
so i came home last night from work and drank so cold creamed out coffee, of course with sugar...and ate my sandwich.

10:00
i decided to go on the computer

11:41
lost track of time and was still on the computer but decided to go to bed because i was starving and i know that i shouldn't eat right before bed and i didn't want to stay up till 1:00 am

11:43
realize when i see my bed that i have not yet made it again since i cleaned the sheets this morning

11:46
decide not to car about sheets and pillow cases, the pillows, mattress cover, and the down comforter are fine for one night

12:03 am
tossing and turning not able to get to sleep, stomach growling, and for some reason i have this weird feeling in my legs like they need to move around

12:21
still hungry

(i won't tell the rest between now and 2:48 am because its the same as these two previous entries)

2:48
turn over and finally decide to go downstairs and eat something because i am wide awake and starving and i see the lights on down there

2:53
eating some wheat thins, peanut butter, and raspberries (interesting combo i must say)

3:03
decide to go upstairs and read my book "Hero" to see if i can fall asleep

(this does not make me any more tired)

3:46
i decide to turn on the ceiling fan, turn off the light and try to go to sleep

(there is some more tossing and turning and some dreams...but somehow i manage to have only slept for a little over an hour because)

5:05
i wake up once again, hot and restless and wide awake, i try to just fake it at this point because i realize that i am not getting any sleep tonight (or this morning)

7:26
i decide to just give up and get out of bed and shower and eat breakfast because i am still starving, my legs feel weird, and i am still wide awake

i'm thinking maybe it was the coffee
because i never drink it,
and if i do its always before 12:00 pm...

Growing Older

when i get older and if i start to forget, i am sorry.
i don't mean to upset you or make you mad or on your last nerve all the time.
i am telling you this now so that i don't forget to tell you when it really matters.
i hope that you will remember that i told you this and
you'll have it in you to forgive my aging mind.

Today is not the day

i was supposed to be born today, and oftentimes i wonder back to when my mom was still pregnant on her due date...what was she thinking or feeling? (get this darn thing out of me! it's been nine months already and now i have to wait longer!)

i also like to think about how my life would be different had i been born today.
i would not be known as the firecracker with hair to match the colors of the date (july 4). i would not get comments about fireworks being for me that day, and all across the nation that i am some princess who the day celebrates for.

but all in all, i would just not feel at home celebrating my birthday today. i mean, i'm not even ready to have it yet, there is not a cake, my room is not clean, America is not alive and buzzing with the independence day buzz, i have not yet been to mass (which was over an hour ago), i don't have anything red and blue to wear (well just blue i like to count my hair as the red part seeing as a red shirt would clash with it), and to top it all off, i am just not ready to say that i am 18 yet!

it's kind of a scary thought, yes i get to buy cigarettes, porn and lottery tickets, i get to stay out past 11 and drive, i get to do anything i want around the house, i don't have to visit my dad anymore, i am a legal adult! but really i like just being a kid...it's nice to look forward to my birthday and say YEAH, i am going to be 18, but actually being there makes me think a bit.

"player's only in love with you when he's playing"

i gotta keep checking my heart

"have you ever been in love? i don't know yet, i can't decide."

Neighbors

saw her again today :)

i am proud to have accomplished this years first home grown sunburn....many more to come

bacon bringer
bread winner

hot and lazy summer days

The Car

you're looking at the girl in the front seat and you're thinking to yourself YEAH! and then the back window rolls down and you become speechless. there's the hidden secret that no one takes the time to look for. your jaw drops and she smiles her shy smile...for those few seconds as the car drives by, time lengthens and everything moves in slow motion, you feel as if you are in heaven. you wish that every moment of everyday could be filled with this type of simple bliss.

Relationships

i care about you so much and i don't know how appreciative or aware of that you are, but i cannot stand out there like i am supporting you in this relationship. as long as he is around i will not be with you...i'm sorry if you find that immature, rude, or selfish, but i can't. there has to be at least one person who calls it exactly like they see it without being afraid. and if that's me i am not afraid of that challenge.

Mosquitoes

Boys are like mosquitoes... They look around trying to find any hole they can to break though the screen.

The Ship

Bail with me

what can i do until 10:00 tonight????????

well
i can sit here and type more blogs
i can talk to people online
i can pretend like i am having fun looking at people's pictures on facebook
i can take the car and go somewhere
i can ponder what the heck to bring on senior week and vacations
i can read...o crap i left my books at my moms house
i can fall asleep
i think i might jusssssstttttttt...............................................

Sisters: Just give me some time to calm down

i love you.

i hope that you know that even through all our hard times, especially this morning, you will always have someone to come home to, you will always have someones' shoulder to cry on (or sleep on if you so happen to fall asleep there), you will always have someone to trust because no matter how much you spite me, i will never divulge your deepest secrets, you will always have someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone to just sit with and enjoy, you will always have someone to borrow clothes from (just not this morning when you wake me up at the ungodly hour of 6:55), you will always have someone to talk with late into the night, and paint toe nails with, and curl your hair, you will always have someone who is willing to drop everything they are doing and come get you on a second's notice.

because i love you.

Reminisce

so i see that all of my posts lately have been depressing or upset or written quickly out of hurt. written while i was rushing to get every possible feeling out of my raging brain but now i need to lighten it up a little. i'm just going to reminisce about events of this year.

~what i like to call my freedom
~fleeting unattainable hopeless romantic like crushes
~(this ones for my mom) drive-thru races
~prom
~GRADUATION!
~many firsts, of which there are too many
~homecoming (this was probably one of my favorites because i was so happy and gushy this whole week, everything seemed in its place or was going to fall into place if it hadn't already.)
~acceptances
~dorm shopping (just starting, but so exciting!)
~parties
~sneaking out (SOON!)
~finally being the rebellious teenager stereotype (it's never too late)
~making the realization that friends will never be too far away, and its never too hard to make new ones
~taking more pictures than necessary
~being truthful
~accepting myself and finally starting to grow into my skin
~many study hall discussions
~philosophical lunches
~breakthroughs with my sisters
~letting go of inhibitions
~calculus (for a previously stated event)
~rings
~just waiting (we seem to do a lot of that)

Trust

you said that a major part of a relationship is trust. without it the relationship costs more energy loss and defense mechanisms to be put up. in the end, it cannot be a healthy relationship without trust. well, you have made me rethink a lot of my relationships and what you have said has made me come to the realization that you speak the truth. i wasn't really expecting to come away from this with anything that i didn't have before i went in, but i can truthfully say that i have come out with more than i went in with.
those who you trust do not have to be the ones closest to you and those closest to you are not necessarily the ones you trust. you've taught me that it's ok, and that those relationships are so much work that they block me from creating healthy relationships that i cannot see when i am spending so much time on these that don't work. i need to see all the opportunities lying ahead of me as chances to create lasting trusting relationships and strip myself clean of those that don't work.
right this very moment i can think of at least 5 relationships that do not contain trust, but i know of many more that are worth it. i guess right now it's just a matter of growing up enough to be able to do what i need to do so that i can create these new trusting friendships.

You don't even know...

i don't even know what to say right now... what i am feeling or what i want to feel...or how to express myself so please excuse me for my randomness...and i'm just going with a stream of conscience here so it won't make too much sense.

i'm still so mad at you.
i'm still never going to be friends with you.
i don't know what i am supposed to be feeling right now at graduation because to me it doesn't feel like anything.
i still dislike you, probably the most out of everyone that i know.
i will be so upset if you let her in.
i will be out on the porch all night long...a loner.
i don't want to spend that much time with people that are so rude and caught up in themselves and the details that make other people themselves.
i want to do things that aren't good for me.
sometimes when i run it's like my self mutilation...and thats all i think about because i run till it hurts and still continue.
i want to meet you and just get started.
i want to go away with no inhibitions.
people need to speak up if they feel left out an suggest a topic about themselves if they feel the talk is too focused on another person.
i don't think that ill ever be able to get over this.
it's not worth it.
i will be so glad when we get back because i won't have to keep up anything fake.
i don't understand why you can't just grow up.
you're older than me and yet you are so sheltered you act like you are about five years younger than me.
i really want to hang out with you more, and wish i had because i think right now i can be satisfied saying you are one of my better friends.
i want to do things that will get me in trouble.
i wish that you could see the looks i am giving you behind the shields of my eyes.
i am so glad that i won't have to have anything to do with you after this.
actually that's a lie, i don't really know how i feel about that and thats more upsetting than being with you.
i want you to come back safe.
i want you to leave me alone.
i am using you.
you need to grow up.
i feel so left out.

Seriously?

like really??


i don't know how i've done it for so long

i'm not afraid.

i'm not afraid. i think that i have been successful and happy. i think that i have lead people in the right direction. i am not afraid. if i were to be taken this very moment i would be quite content. i am in a happy place right now. yes, i am young. yes, people would be shocked. yes, to my family it would be a tragedy. but i am not afraid of you.

how nice of you to have invited me! she says sarcastically

The Double O

lately i have not been giving the typical oh...

its been the double oh-oh

Art

why do we exonerate people for what they create?

everyone can create art and their own masterpieces
it's just a matter of having the right eye look at it.

Last day of school

in keeping with tradition, i started my first day of school ever, yes way back in kindergarten riding the bus to school. and so today, the last day of my high school career, i rode the bus one last time. on this bus ride i saw many ordinary things, a rabbit in someones yard, a pig statue in a garden (i thought this was also a rabbit but at a closer look i realized this was not so ordinary), a woman walking two dogs, one a bernese mountain dog and the other a yellow lab, a jag, four women out on runs, and a tractor that turns hay into bails. all very ordinary things that i paid special attention to on this my last ride. on my first i was too caught up in my nerves and excitement to notice my surroundings, plus i probably wasn't tall enough to look out the window so all i was was cold shiny hard metal.
anyway, the rest of today was bittersweet, never again will i walk through the doors of that school, except for graduation practice, but i also will miss those teachers of mine who really taught me something, not just in the classroom but about myself and about others as well.
so on this last night, i look at the clock realizing it doesn't matter when i get to bed anymore, and i turn off my "wake up" alarm on my phone, never to hear its annoying tone at 5:30 am ever again. it's sad for me really, but i think that what waits on the other side, once i get to it, will be very exciting. right now its all just a little bit scary because i feel like i am stranded in between two mediums, i have neither of them to call my own, nothing to really identify with, and im not old enough to identify with a career, so i truly am a nothing, thats what waiting to graduate, soon to be college freshman are...and it's scary but things will change, and i will find my place soon enough; not in a seat staring at cold hard shiny metal waiting to arrive at the elementary school, but instead, a room of 300 people all staing at the chalkboard waiting for the professor to arrive and the lecture to start.

Rain

when it rains it pours, if it's not pouring, it's not raining.


why when the lights go out does everyone catch their breath in their throats like they cannot go on? they know that they are safe, it's just the rain outside and the lightning...which is quite possibly one of the most beautiful and miraculous sights to behold. and the power of the thunder comes next, a grand sound rolling for the hills and shaking the earth beneath their feet. also another experience not to be missed.


the audacity of the sound or of the light does not seem to scare people at concerts, or at firework displays, these are natural beauties and without them, we would not have rainbows, or the sun to look forward too, plus things can be just so much more fun in the dark :P

commando in church???

AWKWARD

90 minutes left...

My Night

i'm pretty sure the world will not come to an end if:

-you have to wait in line an extra five minutes
-your baby is "crying" silently in the back seat
-you have ice in your lemonade

i'm pretty sure, but not 100%, so maybe we shouldn't chance it

For an Oscar Wilde fan and other quotes

"in terms of dating-- style, not sincerity, is the important thing."
--Oscar Wilde

"sometimes i wonder if men and women really suit eachother. perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
--Katharine Hepburn

"the thing you want the most in life will be the hardest thing you ever do, so you might as well shoot big."
--Patricia Farr

you are the light to the world.

you brighten my days.

you bring me so much happiness in the midst of so much hurt and depression.

you are the one i can always count on.

you calm me when others cannot.

you teach me how to be right in a crowd of people who are wrong.

you are the light to the world;

help me be a beacon of your light.

easy french toast

Questions every friend should know the anwers to

what's my name, first and last?
when was i born, month and day?
what is my natural hair color?
natural eye color?
what is my biggest fear?
what cannot be replaced in my life?
where am i going to college?
what am i majoring in?
what do i plan to do after?
how do i act in new situations?
what things do i do for fun?
what do i want the most right now?
what do i dislike?
can you answer all of these?
any?
some?
what does this say about our basic relationship?

friendships are not based on the questions right here but without knowing many of these answers can we really have a friendship?
would you know how best to communicate with me?
would we be able to have deeper conversations, and delve deeper?
or will you leave it at the surface?

its not about these questions in particular, but about the time that you are willing to put forth in our relationship...i am not a jumping bean, i cannot pick up where we leave off every time i see you. i will no longer live constantly disconnected.
is it really that hard to just leave me a little sign you are there every once in awhile?

if you do not want to take the time to get to know me this way than can you really say that we have a friendship? i am not afraid that you will say you don't have enough time to really make up for it, or that i am not worth the effort...i don't really need people like you, nor do i need "fake" friends to be happy...that would make me very unhappy


so here we part.

life goes unedited, there are no re-dos or go-backs simply live with what you get

Jumbled

this is what i feel like right now. so many things floating around up there in my head. my brain doesn't know which point to pick up on first so nothing actually happens.

i need someone to understand me...just to sit there in silence with me and be okay with that

Admit it

why do you always expect my acknowledgement when i walk into a room where you are present? i can feel your eyes on me waiting and longing for me to look back. every time someone opens a door to where you are you just cannot resist to look and see if it is me. but you can't smile before i smile because that would just be uncool. you don't want to set yourself up for the hurt, but by looking at me and my not looking at you, what's there left not hurting? the reason i don't look is because i know that you are, and that scares me. i don't need a constant look out. not every single time i come into the room with scowl on my face does it mean that i am scowling about you. i can have things wrong in my life, i am human, and i don't want you to be the one to ask me about it; whatever's wrong

i admit, i am trying to avoid your gaze, it's just uncomfortable now...i think that it always was. probably because i knew there was something else behind it but even you can't admit to that. (not that your admitting it would help the situation any) i am not being harsh by saying any of this. you need to hear the truth. you need to take it in understand it, roll it around in your head, be hurt and actually get over it. then, move on. but i doubt that you will ever get to that point. ever.

Coping

how does one cope for something they know they are supposed to be coping?

bad things happen to everyone, its inevitable. they happen to good people, to bad people. it can be as simple as a paper cut, to slipping up the stairs, saying the wrong thing and looking like a doofus, to getting in a major car accident, or even dying. people may or may not feel sorry or sad about the event while others may feel much grief and have to find a way to cope with the idea. but how do those who do not sorrow cope, or at least have the appearance of coping? this is what i am trying to figure out. i don't feel guilty for not being sorrowful as it is entirely not my fault, so maybe i should just not worry about it...but i feel that as a human being i am obligated to i just don't know how.

i don't think i'll sweat it out any longer, i'll just be done with the "coping"and hope for the best for that person.

Not Human

"i don't want to look at you an see a ghost anymore"

well here i am a ghost again...i'm just not feeling the whole human thing right now i guess...that means i have to talk

get excited...keep your phone on [vibrate]

Fantasies

so i have this fantasy...
about you,
well more about you and i...

it goes a little like this:

here we are sitting in your chair me facing you, we are giggling and shushing each other simultaneously for fear that others will hear, but its all so exciting at the same time.

hearts pounding, blood pumping, hands touching,
fingertips tingling, toes curling, muscles flexing,
heads spinning, lips hungering, fingers gripping


bodies close now...

its just a forbidden fantasy and that's what make it so fun:

your hand sliding up my leg, playing, fingers flirting with the hem of my dress wondering if this unchartered territory is still forbidden...

now you're moving up my thigh wondering how far is too far...testing the boundaries with your fingertips, not quite sure if you've yet reached the limit...

i realize now that no good can come from this, but i want to be bad in this moment if it means that i can do this and be here with you...

so be forbidden with me :p

so i sent you a letter awhile ago,
you should be getting it soon.
i wonder what you will think.

Prom

so once again i was persuaded to participate in one of the most anticipated events in a teen's life. some hate it, some could careless or think its a joke, and others live for it...yes, you guessed it, prom. the girls spend months searching for the perfect dress, weeks before planning flowers, hair, nails, make up, shoes, buying tickets, deciding on post prom or parties, while others go home to zonk out.
THEN, the day arrives and we all scurry around the house like chickens with our heads cut off screaming and giggling, taking thousands of pictures. the limos arrive and take us to our final destination, the party room. we sit at the table eagerly anticipating the delicious smelling food brought to our tables by the waiters, and the dessert one must not forget that! and of course the dancing that comes much later.
so we move to the dance floor slowly wondering to ourselves, will it be awkward or fun, crazy or silly, what will happen for the slow dances? where do i put my hands? haha well thats an important question but we get it all worked out and we have fun bouncing around and bopping to the beat of the music. this will be a night that many remember, either as fun, boring, exciting, or saddening, but it will be remembered. at least for a bit.
we load back into our limos to sleep or continue the party until we arrive back to the school or our houses feet hurting, bodies muggy, and hair frizzy and tangled. the next task is getting out of those dresses and into comfy clothes and slippers. the end to a perfect night? falling asleep with your friends all around your feet, on your couch, your bed or wherever they can find a spot after a night of laughing, chatting, soothing, and partying.

more MILK

did you?

did you want me to say it wasn't getting hard? did you want me to say that it wouldn't get harder? did you want me to tell you that we would work it out? that we could make it together? that the distance wouldn't matter? did you want me to tell you to stay strong and that i knew that you can make it through on your own? did you want me to tell you that you're all that i think about a lot? did you want me to tell you that i still think about you like every hour of every day? that i still dream about you sometimes? did you want me to tell you that it feels like it's just left hanging like wet laundry on a clothing line that just won't dry because it's too humid or rainy outside?

because that's how i feel. that's all that i know right now. that's going to get easier everyday, i think. that's going to take awhile; me being completely ok.

i want to be there for you, i don't want you to need anything else. everything else is only going to soothe for a few hours. maybe it's just those few hours of escape that you need. but your problems are going to always come back if you don't get a dose of something better, they will always loom over your head. i know that i am not strong enough to help you completely, i'm not perfect, but i do know that i am a better dose than what you really want.

right now, we all need you to be strong and just hold on. when you can't be strong, you always have us right by your side, know that, always.