the only sound comes from the clatter of the spoons hitting the bowls, not form the expected chatter at the table though we have not spoken for awhile now. the only ice on the table sits in my cup though they all know that i am the only one who cant stand ice in my drinks unless its with a straw, it stands on the table untouched as all the other liquid diminishes. the only signs of a salad begin and end with the croutons sitting between my mom and my sister who sits across from me, thus there is not any passing of dishes just of eyes over the whole scene, not even catching on the people sitting around the table. the only warmth comes from the lights hanging above us, none from the conversation that is nonexistant.

what has happened here? everything is so stagnant, so tense at moments, people are broken and hurting beyond potential to be fixed, and i have to stay here for the remainder of the break where i am the only one who no longer belongs.

Help me!

i'm drowning

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”

i am living in the future of yesterday, the future of today is tomorrow, but what does the future of tomorrow hold?

i see you falling, And i want to help you, But you need to be willing to change yourself

why in the world would a person be genuinely smart, but do badly on tests? how can you have so much information stored in your head, information to be found on the test, yet they can't pull higher than a 55 percent?

do you crack under pressure?

do you only talk about the things that you know so knowingly, and not about anything else because that would make you seem dumb?

i want to know how you can be so smart, but you choose to do such dumb things and then act like you dont care about your grades as a result.

you see your aspirations being crushed, shot down, getting farther out of reach; so far that you may have to change what you are going for because what you really want to do, what you really love to do will no longer be attainable.

why do this to yourself?


maybe this is my greatest fault...
seeing the faults of others and wanting to help them change, not being able to bear what they are doing to themselves. i cant seem to get over that and go for people who dont need to be fixed...i need to focus on finding someone who has goals and can go after them-- not perfect, not without fault or change needed but someone who has aspirations and sticks to what they want, and who doesnt just give up a goal because they want to do dumb things instead and just brush the important stuff aside.


BALANCE.

how come?

how come you care so much?
i feel like you shouldnt anymore
maybe you dont and youre right that i am just making a big deal out of this
how come you tell me to be with them?
how come you care so much about that?
how come you talk to them and its about me?
do you not have anything better to talk about?
how come they wont hang out with me because of that?
how come anything that they have to talk to you about is me?
i was not that big a part of your life...and you werent a big part of mine.
i hate acting the way that i do towards you
i just want to be normal
but what would we talk about?
how come you have nothing to talk to me about except for this?
do you want to keep talking to me but you just dont have anything else to talk to me about?
i hate how it makes me.
i wish that people could just grow up

and get over it

and leave me out of it










is your life really that boring that you have to talk about events in my life that seem miniscule compared to where you are?

how come you tried to make me look weak....or bad...to the one person you know that i had a connection with....
thats what i hate,
from my perspective,
because i cannot talk to you
because i do not know for sure who you are,
you tried to make me look bad

why would you do that?

ive done nothing to you at all

thats what i cant tell either of you...
because it will inevitably end up in the other persons hands

when i feel like not talking anymore, you will know

there will be signs

Get a handle on it!

looking back at how i have changed these past two and a half months, i see who i was, how i have changed, and who i have become. i get all of this from looking at one simple picture. it may just be the lighting in this particular picture, but my face is literally lit up and glowing, i actually look completely carefree at this one particular moment. this picture was not supposed to be snapped, its one of those candid shots, you know the ones that just kinda get taken by mistake? well thats what this was. i look so obliviously joyous. i want to be that girl again. i want to be that smiling carefree simple girl. i miss her.

when did things get so complicated?

i dont think that any of my thought processes have changed at all, those have always been quite complicated, but my life.....has simply changed to something that i can no longer handle. i feel like i am constantly crashing, and not only that, but crashing farther and farther. there is not a platfor m with stairs leading back to the level where i previousy was located, i just keep falling...

she's such a beautiful awkward.

there is nothing more beautiful than young innocence and jubilee.