"player's only in love with you when he's playing"

i gotta keep checking my heart

"have you ever been in love? i don't know yet, i can't decide."

Neighbors

saw her again today :)

i am proud to have accomplished this years first home grown sunburn....many more to come

bacon bringer
bread winner

hot and lazy summer days

The Car

you're looking at the girl in the front seat and you're thinking to yourself YEAH! and then the back window rolls down and you become speechless. there's the hidden secret that no one takes the time to look for. your jaw drops and she smiles her shy smile...for those few seconds as the car drives by, time lengthens and everything moves in slow motion, you feel as if you are in heaven. you wish that every moment of everyday could be filled with this type of simple bliss.

Relationships

i care about you so much and i don't know how appreciative or aware of that you are, but i cannot stand out there like i am supporting you in this relationship. as long as he is around i will not be with you...i'm sorry if you find that immature, rude, or selfish, but i can't. there has to be at least one person who calls it exactly like they see it without being afraid. and if that's me i am not afraid of that challenge.

Mosquitoes

Boys are like mosquitoes... They look around trying to find any hole they can to break though the screen.

The Ship

Bail with me

what can i do until 10:00 tonight????????

well
i can sit here and type more blogs
i can talk to people online
i can pretend like i am having fun looking at people's pictures on facebook
i can take the car and go somewhere
i can ponder what the heck to bring on senior week and vacations
i can read...o crap i left my books at my moms house
i can fall asleep
i think i might jusssssstttttttt...............................................

Sisters: Just give me some time to calm down

i love you.

i hope that you know that even through all our hard times, especially this morning, you will always have someone to come home to, you will always have someones' shoulder to cry on (or sleep on if you so happen to fall asleep there), you will always have someone to trust because no matter how much you spite me, i will never divulge your deepest secrets, you will always have someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone to just sit with and enjoy, you will always have someone to borrow clothes from (just not this morning when you wake me up at the ungodly hour of 6:55), you will always have someone to talk with late into the night, and paint toe nails with, and curl your hair, you will always have someone who is willing to drop everything they are doing and come get you on a second's notice.

because i love you.

Reminisce

so i see that all of my posts lately have been depressing or upset or written quickly out of hurt. written while i was rushing to get every possible feeling out of my raging brain but now i need to lighten it up a little. i'm just going to reminisce about events of this year.

~what i like to call my freedom
~fleeting unattainable hopeless romantic like crushes
~(this ones for my mom) drive-thru races
~prom
~GRADUATION!
~many firsts, of which there are too many
~homecoming (this was probably one of my favorites because i was so happy and gushy this whole week, everything seemed in its place or was going to fall into place if it hadn't already.)
~acceptances
~dorm shopping (just starting, but so exciting!)
~parties
~sneaking out (SOON!)
~finally being the rebellious teenager stereotype (it's never too late)
~making the realization that friends will never be too far away, and its never too hard to make new ones
~taking more pictures than necessary
~being truthful
~accepting myself and finally starting to grow into my skin
~many study hall discussions
~philosophical lunches
~breakthroughs with my sisters
~letting go of inhibitions
~calculus (for a previously stated event)
~rings
~just waiting (we seem to do a lot of that)

Trust

you said that a major part of a relationship is trust. without it the relationship costs more energy loss and defense mechanisms to be put up. in the end, it cannot be a healthy relationship without trust. well, you have made me rethink a lot of my relationships and what you have said has made me come to the realization that you speak the truth. i wasn't really expecting to come away from this with anything that i didn't have before i went in, but i can truthfully say that i have come out with more than i went in with.
those who you trust do not have to be the ones closest to you and those closest to you are not necessarily the ones you trust. you've taught me that it's ok, and that those relationships are so much work that they block me from creating healthy relationships that i cannot see when i am spending so much time on these that don't work. i need to see all the opportunities lying ahead of me as chances to create lasting trusting relationships and strip myself clean of those that don't work.
right this very moment i can think of at least 5 relationships that do not contain trust, but i know of many more that are worth it. i guess right now it's just a matter of growing up enough to be able to do what i need to do so that i can create these new trusting friendships.

You don't even know...

i don't even know what to say right now... what i am feeling or what i want to feel...or how to express myself so please excuse me for my randomness...and i'm just going with a stream of conscience here so it won't make too much sense.

i'm still so mad at you.
i'm still never going to be friends with you.
i don't know what i am supposed to be feeling right now at graduation because to me it doesn't feel like anything.
i still dislike you, probably the most out of everyone that i know.
i will be so upset if you let her in.
i will be out on the porch all night long...a loner.
i don't want to spend that much time with people that are so rude and caught up in themselves and the details that make other people themselves.
i want to do things that aren't good for me.
sometimes when i run it's like my self mutilation...and thats all i think about because i run till it hurts and still continue.
i want to meet you and just get started.
i want to go away with no inhibitions.
people need to speak up if they feel left out an suggest a topic about themselves if they feel the talk is too focused on another person.
i don't think that ill ever be able to get over this.
it's not worth it.
i will be so glad when we get back because i won't have to keep up anything fake.
i don't understand why you can't just grow up.
you're older than me and yet you are so sheltered you act like you are about five years younger than me.
i really want to hang out with you more, and wish i had because i think right now i can be satisfied saying you are one of my better friends.
i want to do things that will get me in trouble.
i wish that you could see the looks i am giving you behind the shields of my eyes.
i am so glad that i won't have to have anything to do with you after this.
actually that's a lie, i don't really know how i feel about that and thats more upsetting than being with you.
i want you to come back safe.
i want you to leave me alone.
i am using you.
you need to grow up.
i feel so left out.

Seriously?

like really??


i don't know how i've done it for so long

i'm not afraid.

i'm not afraid. i think that i have been successful and happy. i think that i have lead people in the right direction. i am not afraid. if i were to be taken this very moment i would be quite content. i am in a happy place right now. yes, i am young. yes, people would be shocked. yes, to my family it would be a tragedy. but i am not afraid of you.

how nice of you to have invited me! she says sarcastically

The Double O

lately i have not been giving the typical oh...

its been the double oh-oh

Art

why do we exonerate people for what they create?

everyone can create art and their own masterpieces
it's just a matter of having the right eye look at it.

Last day of school

in keeping with tradition, i started my first day of school ever, yes way back in kindergarten riding the bus to school. and so today, the last day of my high school career, i rode the bus one last time. on this bus ride i saw many ordinary things, a rabbit in someones yard, a pig statue in a garden (i thought this was also a rabbit but at a closer look i realized this was not so ordinary), a woman walking two dogs, one a bernese mountain dog and the other a yellow lab, a jag, four women out on runs, and a tractor that turns hay into bails. all very ordinary things that i paid special attention to on this my last ride. on my first i was too caught up in my nerves and excitement to notice my surroundings, plus i probably wasn't tall enough to look out the window so all i was was cold shiny hard metal.
anyway, the rest of today was bittersweet, never again will i walk through the doors of that school, except for graduation practice, but i also will miss those teachers of mine who really taught me something, not just in the classroom but about myself and about others as well.
so on this last night, i look at the clock realizing it doesn't matter when i get to bed anymore, and i turn off my "wake up" alarm on my phone, never to hear its annoying tone at 5:30 am ever again. it's sad for me really, but i think that what waits on the other side, once i get to it, will be very exciting. right now its all just a little bit scary because i feel like i am stranded in between two mediums, i have neither of them to call my own, nothing to really identify with, and im not old enough to identify with a career, so i truly am a nothing, thats what waiting to graduate, soon to be college freshman are...and it's scary but things will change, and i will find my place soon enough; not in a seat staring at cold hard shiny metal waiting to arrive at the elementary school, but instead, a room of 300 people all staing at the chalkboard waiting for the professor to arrive and the lecture to start.

Rain

when it rains it pours, if it's not pouring, it's not raining.


why when the lights go out does everyone catch their breath in their throats like they cannot go on? they know that they are safe, it's just the rain outside and the lightning...which is quite possibly one of the most beautiful and miraculous sights to behold. and the power of the thunder comes next, a grand sound rolling for the hills and shaking the earth beneath their feet. also another experience not to be missed.


the audacity of the sound or of the light does not seem to scare people at concerts, or at firework displays, these are natural beauties and without them, we would not have rainbows, or the sun to look forward too, plus things can be just so much more fun in the dark :P

commando in church???

AWKWARD

90 minutes left...

My Night

i'm pretty sure the world will not come to an end if:

-you have to wait in line an extra five minutes
-your baby is "crying" silently in the back seat
-you have ice in your lemonade

i'm pretty sure, but not 100%, so maybe we shouldn't chance it

For an Oscar Wilde fan and other quotes

"in terms of dating-- style, not sincerity, is the important thing."
--Oscar Wilde

"sometimes i wonder if men and women really suit eachother. perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
--Katharine Hepburn

"the thing you want the most in life will be the hardest thing you ever do, so you might as well shoot big."
--Patricia Farr

you are the light to the world.

you brighten my days.

you bring me so much happiness in the midst of so much hurt and depression.

you are the one i can always count on.

you calm me when others cannot.

you teach me how to be right in a crowd of people who are wrong.

you are the light to the world;

help me be a beacon of your light.

easy french toast

Questions every friend should know the anwers to

what's my name, first and last?
when was i born, month and day?
what is my natural hair color?
natural eye color?
what is my biggest fear?
what cannot be replaced in my life?
where am i going to college?
what am i majoring in?
what do i plan to do after?
how do i act in new situations?
what things do i do for fun?
what do i want the most right now?
what do i dislike?
can you answer all of these?
any?
some?
what does this say about our basic relationship?

friendships are not based on the questions right here but without knowing many of these answers can we really have a friendship?
would you know how best to communicate with me?
would we be able to have deeper conversations, and delve deeper?
or will you leave it at the surface?

its not about these questions in particular, but about the time that you are willing to put forth in our relationship...i am not a jumping bean, i cannot pick up where we leave off every time i see you. i will no longer live constantly disconnected.
is it really that hard to just leave me a little sign you are there every once in awhile?

if you do not want to take the time to get to know me this way than can you really say that we have a friendship? i am not afraid that you will say you don't have enough time to really make up for it, or that i am not worth the effort...i don't really need people like you, nor do i need "fake" friends to be happy...that would make me very unhappy


so here we part.

life goes unedited, there are no re-dos or go-backs simply live with what you get

Jumbled

this is what i feel like right now. so many things floating around up there in my head. my brain doesn't know which point to pick up on first so nothing actually happens.

i need someone to understand me...just to sit there in silence with me and be okay with that

Admit it

why do you always expect my acknowledgement when i walk into a room where you are present? i can feel your eyes on me waiting and longing for me to look back. every time someone opens a door to where you are you just cannot resist to look and see if it is me. but you can't smile before i smile because that would just be uncool. you don't want to set yourself up for the hurt, but by looking at me and my not looking at you, what's there left not hurting? the reason i don't look is because i know that you are, and that scares me. i don't need a constant look out. not every single time i come into the room with scowl on my face does it mean that i am scowling about you. i can have things wrong in my life, i am human, and i don't want you to be the one to ask me about it; whatever's wrong

i admit, i am trying to avoid your gaze, it's just uncomfortable now...i think that it always was. probably because i knew there was something else behind it but even you can't admit to that. (not that your admitting it would help the situation any) i am not being harsh by saying any of this. you need to hear the truth. you need to take it in understand it, roll it around in your head, be hurt and actually get over it. then, move on. but i doubt that you will ever get to that point. ever.

Coping

how does one cope for something they know they are supposed to be coping?

bad things happen to everyone, its inevitable. they happen to good people, to bad people. it can be as simple as a paper cut, to slipping up the stairs, saying the wrong thing and looking like a doofus, to getting in a major car accident, or even dying. people may or may not feel sorry or sad about the event while others may feel much grief and have to find a way to cope with the idea. but how do those who do not sorrow cope, or at least have the appearance of coping? this is what i am trying to figure out. i don't feel guilty for not being sorrowful as it is entirely not my fault, so maybe i should just not worry about it...but i feel that as a human being i am obligated to i just don't know how.

i don't think i'll sweat it out any longer, i'll just be done with the "coping"and hope for the best for that person.

Not Human

"i don't want to look at you an see a ghost anymore"

well here i am a ghost again...i'm just not feeling the whole human thing right now i guess...that means i have to talk

get excited...keep your phone on [vibrate]