wow is all i have to say....it's supposed to be like a right of passage or something...something fun that you cant really turn down because of peer pressure...yet i walk out and away crying, literally.
i don't wish that i could be any different i just don't understand how its so easy for other people
29 August 2009
26 August 2009
Quotes from Fran Kick: Motivational Speaker
"how come the first time is always the best time" (it's only good one time because we know what to expect after that....this is referring to growing up, he compared it to the first hill of a roller coaster, and how we always complain, but when we are young, we have not a care in the world and all we want to do is ride on and ride on because every time is just like the first, and that's what we like about it).
"you must give good kisses to receive good kisses; so be a good kisser!" (he says that we don't have a very long attention span so he has to introduce things, and speak in ways that will keep us captivated...he doesn't really mean it literally, well he does but he means you get out of something exactly what you put in and so if you don't complain but stick it out and try your hardest, chances are you will have fun doing it and it will be easier and you will get more out of whatever you are trying to accomplish).
there is a triangle :
often times, things that you are good at are fun...but to be good at something you have to work at it....and if you are having fun being good at it, you are working at it because you are doing whatever it is you are good at and having fun doing.
with this explanation, i can see where he is coming from, but i beg to differ on this particular point, i LOVE track, i have fun doing it, it is a high above all others...uh duh, endorphins. but anyway, i did work at track, and i was good at it, maybe not for the team, but for myself i was good enough for me when i was having fun. anyway, i continued being good, and working hard, but i wasn't having fun anymore...the triangle was broken, it just became something i HAD to do because i couldn't an wouldn't quit. but if i'm working at it shouldn't i be having fun? according to Fran. but...this was not true because the people involved were not fun...i guess i have to take a step back and realize it's not the track triangle that bothered me, it was my people skills triangle. i'm not good at meeting people, it's not fun for me because it winds up being awkward, and i can't work at it because it's awkward, and really how do you work on people skills without being fake...so it is that triangle that i failed...the people skills triangle, and that one was intertwined with the track triangle so i no longer was having fun, thus i quit. so i guess that he really was right, about the triangle thing because i still love track and working at it, it's really not track that i quit, it's people that i quit. and now looking back, i do feel a bit sorry that i let my stupidity and stubbornness get in the way.
"you must give good kisses to receive good kisses; so be a good kisser!" (he says that we don't have a very long attention span so he has to introduce things, and speak in ways that will keep us captivated...he doesn't really mean it literally, well he does but he means you get out of something exactly what you put in and so if you don't complain but stick it out and try your hardest, chances are you will have fun doing it and it will be easier and you will get more out of whatever you are trying to accomplish).
there is a triangle :
fun -------> good -------> work
often times, things that you are good at are fun...but to be good at something you have to work at it....and if you are having fun being good at it, you are working at it because you are doing whatever it is you are good at and having fun doing.
with this explanation, i can see where he is coming from, but i beg to differ on this particular point, i LOVE track, i have fun doing it, it is a high above all others...uh duh, endorphins. but anyway, i did work at track, and i was good at it, maybe not for the team, but for myself i was good enough for me when i was having fun. anyway, i continued being good, and working hard, but i wasn't having fun anymore...the triangle was broken, it just became something i HAD to do because i couldn't an wouldn't quit. but if i'm working at it shouldn't i be having fun? according to Fran. but...this was not true because the people involved were not fun...i guess i have to take a step back and realize it's not the track triangle that bothered me, it was my people skills triangle. i'm not good at meeting people, it's not fun for me because it winds up being awkward, and i can't work at it because it's awkward, and really how do you work on people skills without being fake...so it is that triangle that i failed...the people skills triangle, and that one was intertwined with the track triangle so i no longer was having fun, thus i quit. so i guess that he really was right, about the triangle thing because i still love track and working at it, it's really not track that i quit, it's people that i quit. and now looking back, i do feel a bit sorry that i let my stupidity and stubbornness get in the way.
24 August 2009
22 August 2009
why is it that i can find you wherever i go? can't i just be done with it? why is it that you like to make me so confused....i really just want to find someone that i can say i really get along with. one that is just like me
i want to be with people who are not me....is it all superficial? do i just want to look good in front of other people? i feel like sometimes i am those shallow people just because i only want to be with them....like they have the most fun or something....do they really? no, their world is just as filled with disappointment, and if not more so with deceit than the one that i belong to.
i feel like sometimes you are with them for the same reasons that i am looking for them, and maybe you are not as comfortable as you seem to let on all the time. but maybe that really is who you are. i think that you are a better person than her though, i really think that you need to see that...but i can't make you because you are closer to her, and because you have to see it and believe it for yourself. don't be a pushover...don't laugh like you enjoy knowing that you're a pushover. see through it all and break free.
i want to be with people who are not me....is it all superficial? do i just want to look good in front of other people? i feel like sometimes i am those shallow people just because i only want to be with them....like they have the most fun or something....do they really? no, their world is just as filled with disappointment, and if not more so with deceit than the one that i belong to.
i feel like sometimes you are with them for the same reasons that i am looking for them, and maybe you are not as comfortable as you seem to let on all the time. but maybe that really is who you are. i think that you are a better person than her though, i really think that you need to see that...but i can't make you because you are closer to her, and because you have to see it and believe it for yourself. don't be a pushover...don't laugh like you enjoy knowing that you're a pushover. see through it all and break free.
19 August 2009
17 August 2009
" 'There was an attraction,' he said carefully, 'but it was more than that.' [we broke up a few times and i started to date other girls, but their shine demolished, i had hyped them up in my mind]. 'I could see that she had never been less than what I'd figured her to be. If anything, she was always better than I had remembered. And that's what I think love is,' he said quietly. 'When your hind sight's twenty-twenty, and you wouldn't change a thing.' "
14 August 2009
In Love with Myself
i don't think that i am quite there yet, but i'm getting there.
i long for the day that becomes true
i long for the day that becomes true
mhmm...
you know sometimes i surprise myself. i think that we all do that sometimes. i guess sometimes i don't even realize what i am doing and what it means; but then later i come across something and bam...and epiphany. sometimes i don't realize that i have these feeling bottled up inside me because i hide them even from myself. if i can't trust me then who can i trust. maybe it's for the best because in the end it always turns out better than when it started.
you know sometimes i surprise myself. i think that we all do that sometimes. i guess sometimes i don't even realize what i am doing and what it means; but then later i come across something and bam...and epiphany. sometimes i don't realize that i have these feeling bottled up inside me because i hide them even from myself. if i can't trust me then who can i trust. maybe it's for the best because in the end it always turns out better than when it started.
10 August 2009
here
i feel like one of these nights i am going to say your name in my head amongst all of my deepest thoughts and you are going to be right there beside my bed calling my name back in real life, "katie, i am here"
just sat down and had myself a good cry
it looks as if i didn't even recognize the games i was playing with other people and the hard exterior i build up in front of my vulnerable self.
06 August 2009
Scattered
ugh... the closer that it gets to that time, the more i think about it.
why is it that when i have something else to distract me i am still thinking about the previous thing that was in my possession and when i move onto the next something else, this current something will still be on my mind. last time i thought that it would never stop, but then i stopped and got over it. right now i have nothing in my possession, i mean nothing to call mine so the situation is a little different but i can't stop thinking about it. it's like the current is not as good as the previous even though it clearly is better than the previous. i just don't know if anything will really be better.
sometimes i wonder why i did the things i did, when i look back at those fleeting moments. and i can't picture them happening. others i can. does that mean that the things i can picture should have happened, and those that i can't shouldn't have. or is it just a way to move on from these somethings? was it wrong, was it right, was it leading you somewhere in the future? when you believe that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, and you can't really find a reason for those things happening, what do you do? where do you go? do you wait for a reason? do you try and figure it out? or do you keep plowing forward and assume that the reason will pop up somewhere somehow?
when you can't have something, how come you want it so bad? is it the temptation that makes it fun? the chase? because many times, i've gotten to that forbidden thing, and it's not so great anymore, it's conquered, it's been there done that, it's over with. it's no longer forbidden. but when you can't have it every fiber of you being curls up, or vibrates in this little dance that makes your skin bump, and your hair stand on end- your stomach literally gets butterflies, not the little nervous feeling but the whole body effect, and your adrenaline rush. you have a physical need and nothing can go on, or be focused or concentrated on until you once again get a glimpse, but not a stare. no that would be too much. the thrill is being so close but yet so far away. like, oh yeah it's just around the corner....but the corner is like 10 blocks away. well i am going to have that feeling soon, i can tell that its approaching, because i have the beginnings- constant thought, occasional chills and aches.
why is it that when i have something else to distract me i am still thinking about the previous thing that was in my possession and when i move onto the next something else, this current something will still be on my mind. last time i thought that it would never stop, but then i stopped and got over it. right now i have nothing in my possession, i mean nothing to call mine so the situation is a little different but i can't stop thinking about it. it's like the current is not as good as the previous even though it clearly is better than the previous. i just don't know if anything will really be better.
sometimes i wonder why i did the things i did, when i look back at those fleeting moments. and i can't picture them happening. others i can. does that mean that the things i can picture should have happened, and those that i can't shouldn't have. or is it just a way to move on from these somethings? was it wrong, was it right, was it leading you somewhere in the future? when you believe that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, and you can't really find a reason for those things happening, what do you do? where do you go? do you wait for a reason? do you try and figure it out? or do you keep plowing forward and assume that the reason will pop up somewhere somehow?
when you can't have something, how come you want it so bad? is it the temptation that makes it fun? the chase? because many times, i've gotten to that forbidden thing, and it's not so great anymore, it's conquered, it's been there done that, it's over with. it's no longer forbidden. but when you can't have it every fiber of you being curls up, or vibrates in this little dance that makes your skin bump, and your hair stand on end- your stomach literally gets butterflies, not the little nervous feeling but the whole body effect, and your adrenaline rush. you have a physical need and nothing can go on, or be focused or concentrated on until you once again get a glimpse, but not a stare. no that would be too much. the thrill is being so close but yet so far away. like, oh yeah it's just around the corner....but the corner is like 10 blocks away. well i am going to have that feeling soon, i can tell that its approaching, because i have the beginnings- constant thought, occasional chills and aches.
DISSSSS.....
that has to be the suckiest feeling. you are only the leader of the free world, and yet they wanted a previous leader over you, or anyone else. all i can say is wow that definitely tells you something.
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