youre not a chase, youre already captured

is it possible to feel hot and cold without feeling pain?

Jn 14:1-6

i believe that everything happens for a reason.
we may not know what that reason is at the moment,
but in the end,
everything works out.

i should not have to apologize

i cannot change the way i am
i cannot be who you want me to be
i cannot help that i feel this way

i am the way i am
i am who i am
i will feel unexplicable ways


i know that you may think i am not worth it because of this
i know that you may think i am taking too long
i know that you may have more experience than me
but so does everyone else on this planet
i cannot apologize for that.

"Sometimes I lay under the moon and thank god I'm breathing. Then I pray don't take me soon, cause I am here for a reason. Sometimes in my tears I drown, but I never let it get me down. So when negativity surrounds, I know some day it'll all turn around."

-anonymous

if God knows everything, and He knows how everything is going to work out in the end....He must know who we are supposed to be with. that person however may not wind up with us because of our free will as human beings. but He does know who we will wind up with; who we will choose even if He did not create that particular person for us.
so then, if He places someone in your life several times, are you supposed to pay attention to that? does that mean that that is the person you are supposed to be with? i think so. and if you don't pay attention to that i guess you wind up with someone else. this is very upsetting to me. what if God places them there, but you just don't see that repetition? what if?
how are we supposed to change this? i don't think that we can...i wish that we could see it happening, but i don't think that we can.

"It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield"

wb yeats

in light of all thats happening in the catholic church

the media finds them an easy target. they are the only religious group that has such a scrutinized leader. they say he is defined as a political leader, since when do religion and politics mix. yeah, thats what i thought. they say that these men are absolutely revolting. what about all those men who go under the radar? are they not horrible? yes, they are. just because the catholic church has a system of preists who are governed by archbishops in diocese, and who are goverened by the pope, these men are so greatly punished. yes, they are priests, but before any of that, they are men. they are human beings. we cannot punish them for their sins anymore than we can punish every other molester walking on the streets. men have sins, the human race has sins. how would you like to be put under the microscope? yeah, you wouldnt like to be monitored every move you make i hear you say? i didnt think so. they deserve the same treatment as any other man, regardless of their status as a priest. men are men, they sin, they face the consequences, they get forgiven, they move on. period.

get over it, people think that we cannot survive the information age. i think thats what they want...

ringing

why is it that we must be programmed, and then reprogrammed all our lives? is one way not sufficient? with the current dynamics i guess not. we must constantly change to fit the ever-changing mold of expectations. is there ever a time when just being us will be ok? when does that time come?

have you ever payed attention to what people do when you step onto the elevator?

i like that he took chances because it meant that he was still scared, innocent.

i know what its like to feel the need to hurt yourself. i felt the rfrenzy three times today alone. its not scary, its not like "i want to hurt myself so im going to try" its more like you get this frenzy that won't stop itself. you cant even feel pain, its like nothing else i've ever experienced. its a release that we look for, therefore pain is not involved. its the rush knowing that you are going to see an end result, something you know you can control...

i see you standing there.

i walk blindly through the world, and if i pass you by without acknowledgment don't take it personally.
i feel as though my eyes are merely there to show me the destination, anything between the previous and the next in line blurs by.
i see things, but i cannot respond. my eyes do not truly allow me to see. it's like a taunting.

ΑΔ ΓΣΣ ♥

"
'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
'They called me the hyacinth girl.'
--Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Od' und leer das Meer.
"

thinking today

did you think that by talking to other people in that way it would make you seem like a more attractive person? i noticed today that you have stopped doing that, and as i think more about it, you stopped doing that pretty quickly after i stopped acknowledging you. do i have that great an impact? am i supposed to be jealous of you giving more than the time of day to other people? does it not matter anymore once i stop giving you the time of day? i just don't understand that thought process.

"this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper"


are you ready?

who knew?

mn
pn
kn
and n


all make the same sound at the beginning of different words. our language...

i want to wear white.
i want to hold orange lilies and black orchids.
i want white tulips to be thrown.
i want orange toes and clear fingers.
i want a thin white headband with a big white flower.
i want to wear cute white flats or slippers so that my feet won't hurt for
eternity.
i want a little bit of makeup and reddish coral lipstick.
i want it to be a celebration of my life, not a mourning of my death.
i want my plaque to be bronze.
i want it to read "I Love You." so that every time someone visits me, they
will know of at least one person out there who does.
i want to be there when people find out.
i want to be able to hold their faces and wipe away tears and hug them
close to me.

this is what i want.

Matthew 20:28

can i call you billiam?

the words she writes are poetry, but
they cannot be read as such like a rhyme...
they cannot be sung like a song with a melody....
they cannot be narrated like a story....
they cannot be deciphered like those of a letter to a lover....


her words were meant for the soul, no being can understand the true light behind them.
there is not a system.
it is not a game.
there is no light to be shed upon them.

she leaves it simply "more fun to figure out".


if things were too easy to figure out, people would not have fun, women would not "catch" their men, and people would not be happy. it is the curiosities of life that make it not so monotonous.

i feel like i let people run my life, but i don't know how to change that. i need to find my own voice and not hang so intently onto what other people have to do and say.

i feel like without those people though, i will not know who i am.


how can i know who i am if i have lived by other people for so long.



how do i find myself?

offended.

i'm sorry, but to hear that come out was just like-- i am not sure if i know who you are. we have been stepping on eachothers' toes a lot more lately. and then to hear that you don't like me this morning? so you can just choose which days you like me. we are friends, we work through this stuff, i understand i may not be your favorite person at times, or at any time-- but i allow you certain courtesies that i think i should be allowed as well.

i always used to interrupt you...not because i didn't want to hear what you had to say, but because i was trying to make sure that i had straight in my head what you were trying to tell me, or because i had a good question or point to bring up that when you keep talking i knew i would forget.

sometimes i feel like you keep talking, and i allow you to just do that, because you want to dominate the conversation because you want to be right. of course you do, who doesn't? even i do that, but i feel like that's been happening a lot more lately and i am sick of being cut off. just waiting for you to finish your point, and finding that i have forgotten mine.

you don't do it on purpose i know, but maybe i do have a valid point that i would like to bring up. and i guess because you feel as though i interrupted you for so long maybe now how you deal with it is you just tell me to be quiet so that you can talk-- and i just let you walk all over that.

i'm not mad...i just think that if we keep doing this we may not stay together. maybe we are diverging and maybe not. regardless if this makes us stronger then so be it, if it weakens us-- i am sorry. but for what? the fact that i could not "agree to disagree" anymore. there are some things that are just too important to be left that way.

before i saw growth, now i just see retaliation.
maybe it's the way that i say things because any other person of the same background might understand light heartedly but you take it literal because you have not grown up in the same tradition. maybe you are questioning because it sounds absolutely ridiculous or "stupid" but to me, that is sort of ignorant. you are not an ignorant person. you are smart, and i don't see you any other way, so i want you to acknowledge the things that i do with the same reverence that i have for your practices.

maybe sometimes i do say that stuff is ridiculous, and maybe you do get offended when i say things like that. i am sorry for those times. maybe i am being a complete hypocrite right now, but i want you to know that i am sorry.






and one last thing, "i'm sorry" creates a weakness, not forgiveness with me. don't overuse it--

Frailty

we could live through this day, and never see the end coming. that is what's so beautiful. one second you could be here, the next your life flashes before you eyes, and in the next second you could be gone.

it makes me appreciate what i have. it shows me what i have to work on. it dictates what i live for.




stay strong.

Letters to my...

Dear,
I don't always understand what you have to say, or why you say it...but I pretty much always follow you. I don't know if this is a good thing. Sometimes it makes me feel as though you have me tied up in chains. Sometimes it makes me feel like you are not ready to let me go. Sometimes I just want to take what you have to say and throw it out the window it makes me so mad.
I'm sorry that I treat you the same way, it's just that sometimes I cannot treat you any different because I see you doing the same things that he does. I want to get to a good place with you, it just seems to me that this will not be possible for a long time.

Dear,
I am excited that I met you, I am excited to see where this goes, even if it does not go anywhere. I was happy to be with you, and you made me feel wanted in a way that was different than most. It was simple, it helped me realize that I am ok, and that I've still got it.

Dear,
I am so glad that I have you in my life. I don't know where I would be without you, you are after all my First Lady. Every president needs their right hand (wo)man. I know we have many characteristics that make us different, but that is what holds us together. We can learn from eachother. We can share the heads and the tails, two sides of the same coin.

Dear,
You are amazing. I love you so much, and you can really make me laugh. I love that you can do that, and just be there for me even when we are only seeing eachother through messages on a computer screen. I need you, I miss you, I love you.

Dear,
I told you this before, you need to live your own life. I see a lot of me in you--and I don't want you to wind up feeling the same way that I do towards certain people. Take those chances, be that girl, live it up...don't give up. I will always be here for you!

Dear,
I call you at my weakest points, I don't know why. I guess because I feel that because I am sad, and you're a sorry sight, I feel bad saying that, but it's true. I feel so distressed, so split about you. Just like your personalities. I cannot figure you out, and I cannot figure out how I feel about it. I feel like I have to treat you like a little kid sometimes, and others I am looking for comfort even though I know that I am not likely to find it in you.
I know that I cannot treat you this way any longer, but I have to figure out for myself why it is that I am treating you in this way... I am not sorry that I am confused and that I may be confusing you. You have been around me for close to 19 years, you can wait a bit longer for me to get it.

Dear,
Thank you for all of my packages....they always keep my spirits high.

Dear,
I think that I am finally over it. I was over you, but then I realized that I was pissed at you all the time, and that I couldn't see you any more. I was going to try to avoid you. But now I feel that I am much better. I was not over you, but I am moving in that direction, and it feels good--like a release that has been much awaited.

Dear,
I see you in so many people around here, and think of you every time. You make me blush when I see you, I don't understand it and I can't explain why, but I can't wait to finally see you again.

Possums

i find myself strengthened.
i find myself somehow weaker.
i find myself beautiful.
i find myself ugly in treacherous ways.

i am both quiet and outspoken.
i am both sensitive and short.

i am to the point, i beat around the bush.

i am a living contradiction

The Library of Babel....

my favorite short story. i just read this for a class, and it seems to be the perfect metaphor for something. i am not quite sure whether that something is God, or Life, or just something, just a labyrinth concocted to confuse. it's often so round about that it makes so much sense, its hard for me not to understand it, but its hard for me to explain it.


read it

Glitz

have you ever noticed a lone fleck of glitter just sitting on an object. how it can glow and then if you move to a different spot it seems to disappear, just as the glint disappears...no longer visible. i feel like that piece of glitter right now. so mysterious, the center of attention one moment and the next faded into the background. its the center of attention that i am not so sure i like. i think that rather than people changing their view of me, i change my view for them, so that they can no longer see me. maybe i am looking for myself because all i ever see is the same glint, the same brightness, indistinguishable from anything else around me. i like to be in the background, but i am not sure i want to remain there, i think a part of me is fighting to make me visible to all.

Day 1: The Last

im sitting here watching the clock tick into forever, silence around me...pshyeah right. 10 seconds to go! 9, 8, 7, 6, tapping my foot nervously for lack of a pencil on my desk, 5, 4, 3, im going to have to practically run out of here- no, that would not be cool, i will saunter out...SMOOTH, 2, 1. i quickly get out of my desk and out the door before anyone else is even stands. nice, way to saunter out mr. smooth. i search the halls as i walk towards the door that leads to the end of another era and the beginning of a very different sort.

Fair

i am choosing to take this time to take about the current state of our celebrity media. we have all often heard about the dangers of anorexia, bulemia, and other eating disorders. we have all also heard about the "political incorrect"-ness or misrepresentation or total disregard for representation of all races and skin colors, types etc. i was just looking at the yahoo homepage, as i often use it for my only source of news in the american world (sad, i know it just seems to be the only source that is so in front of my face i cannot ignore it). i paged through all the popular "first-page" news headlines several intriguing me, "ways to prevent overeating", "control you anger", "obama ticks off las vegas" and more, but one in particular caught my attention.
the picture included several up-and-coming actresses, for "a new hollywood 2010" on the cover of a magazine that apparently made a horrific mistake. as i scrolled through and read the article i realized what this mistake was. after looking at the picture long enough (about five seconds)

you wouldnt even have to read the article to know what i am talking about. the girls on the cover are all about the same body-type (hollywood thin) and about the same pale color. they were also dressed in mute tones, and most were blond, few were brunette, and one was a red head. this mute coloring is supposed to evoke a more romantic sort of soft feathery feel that many people and designers are starting to yet again move away from, however it accentuates the fact that these girls all start to resemble each other, and one common household object for checking cake baked-ness and dental purposes: toothpicks.
i understand that our world (America) is concerned about health issues and the media is moving towards a more streamlined emaciated look, even more so than in past years as evidenced by the particularly thin batch of VS Angels at the show in december however, this is dangerous. we have all these programs to stop the obesity, we have programs to stop the eating disorders and others still to help the overall body image, but we constantly throw out these rail thin images. we contradict ourselves in the most horrific of ways; those who are obese or overweight remain that way because they figure that they can never fit into this new "norm", and the already thin continue to grow thinner to emulate these women who "work so hard" to keep their bodies looking like that. we should want a healthy image for all out there, an attainable goal, and a new healthy look.
our current disregard for all that we have worked for in the past decades for race have seemed to go down the tubes. i understand that many people would see nothing wrong with a slew of "white" women on the cover (i put that in quotes because apparently we don't need a politically correct name anymore, its just normal to be referred to as white amongst a lot of "african american" "native american" "asian american" "hawaiian"...and no longer--"caucasian"). regardless, many ethnicities may not find this cover a problem, but even i find a problem with it. we just put any old teen-y bopper on the cover who may have shown promise in a recent movie, but we do not acknowledge those who have actually accomplished and deserve the title of "a new hollywood". the article talks about these women, and discusses the comments that the editor makes about all the "pale" "button-nosed" "dewy wide-eyed" and get this, "ivory-soap-girl features". yes this may be a description of the girls here but how about the beautiful flawlessness of golden, tan and brown or black skin, or the silkiness of dark hair, or the smooth curves of any real woman out there? the facial features that make any woman distinct from anyone else?

must we live in a world where we strive to look indistinct from each other, must we all fit the rail-thin, curveless, pale, blond, wide eyed image in front of us?

i guess i should be happy they at least didn't say blue eyed, not that there's anything wrong with that but maybe we are moving away from this image slowly, maybe there is hope, maybe we can change it all.

life in technicolor...never doubt it

ΓΣΣ ♥, i don't know why i was so opposed to all the others, i seem to be a social butterfly...i am finally growing up, growing into me!

sisterhood is amazing

mhmm

Fighter Pilot

"...the only thing better than looking up at the clouds is looking down at them."

-Matthew Ross Smith

torn

ive been hurt worse, but right now it just feels like i could not be more torn...by someone im not even close to. idk how this all works, and why im feeling this way but its not a good feeling.

Bit of a night

how is it that someone can wind up at a house, in a city with thousands of others just like it, with two of the people in their recent past at aforementioned house, when there are millions of other students or city folk that could have been in that same place?
i guess you could say great minds think alike.

there are two stories here:
one involves a boy and his new "girlfriend". i put that in quotes because i am not quite sure what to call her, i only saw her yesterday. but apparently it "looked forced", this is according to several people who i like to call my girls. now i myself didnt see that, but they did also notice this particular person continuously looking at me....and i did see this. tell me, if you were with a girl who was your potential girlfriend, would you be looking around at a girl who wasn't even a had been? are you still waiting, or hoping, or wanting? what stopped you from anything in the first place? was it me? you? just separation? i have no idea.

now the other story involves a boy and his posse. first, i see one of the boys that this main character calls one of his best friends and i think to myself wow, this main character boy had better not show up. and then you know what? ten minutes later i am standing in the middle of the dance floor (where no one is dancing because there are so many people you can barely move) and guess who walks in...yep, main character boy. so of course, i alert my best friend (who knows all about the previous run-ins with this boy) and she just goes nuts. all night i wind up walking by him, or seeing him, and know that we both are trying to kind of avoid each other, but still keep an eye out. i don't know why exactly this was happening, all that was running through my mind was, "please don't let this boy ask me to dance, or talk to me or anything" but at the same time i wanted him to keep looking, because i still have this little unfinished business i guess you could call it.

anyway, at the end of the night, both stories ended before i left the house because i wound up having so much more fun when the dance floor got a little less crowded and there was room to dance. that was the whole reason i decided to venture out into the city for the third night in a row (the past two were spent walking around because for some reason it was more fun to walk around in heels and a skirt in 40 degree weather for 5 hours than to go to a house...).

so with the stories at an end--for now at least, i found myself a bit disappointed and bit tired, but overall in a thoughtfully happy place.

thanks

you better marry your best friend, once you find someone and learn to trust them you put your all into that one relationship, so much that you don't have anything left over for anyone else. that's just who you are. other people can have you as a best friend, but you see them have that same sort of relationship with many other people and it bothers you because you can't have the same. all i'm saying is, you better find that best friend of yours, give them your all, and marry them.

goodness is the pouring out of it

in latin im sure this sounds much different and probably means something a bit different, but this translation means exactly what it says. when people are good, or they "use" their goodness, it just keeps coming, it doesnt stop. kind of like love, if you act in loving ways you will never really lose it, or "fall out of it", it will continue. its like "use it or lose it"

Conflicts

science does not take into account the love needed for a relationship, but do we really need love to make the relationship produce as it was meant to.

can the two be separated...and should they be?

naturally

are we a product of our environment? are we a product of our parents? are we a product of ourselves?can we only be this way because of something that was said or taught to us? something that we heard?how can we change our fate? can we even see what it is that could be changed? who are we really our natural selves with? is there a true "natural self" with anyone?

these are all questions that were recently posed to me. questions that don't necessarily be answered. the person who asked then continued to answer asking, we sit here quietly waiting for a lecture, but what is holding us down, what changes behavior here as opposed to all of us walking into a bar and having fun? and what tells us to act that way in a bar? is there really a natural way for any human to act? or do we all just act certain ways because that's how we grew up and we don't know how else to act?

honestly, if humans didn't have any rules from birth all the way through life....how would we act? no folkways, mores, rules , laws whatsoever....

think about it, maybe we cant quite picture it because we have been submerged in it for so long.

when are you going to break those rules, when and with whom are you going to choose to be the natural you?

A Bit of...

knowing is not understanding, to know is just the beginning

the sun will come out...tomorrow

happy :)

unpacking my bags

last night i was thinking about it, and i am just plain sick of MOVING.


to me i mean that's what college is really, a bunch of moving.


we finally get back from a break and we are suddenly on the move again, not that i don't enjoy the changes ,but i feel like i never really get a chance to settle in when i want to. things just start getting good at school, and then i am on my way home again.


constant packing and unpacking, we really do it almost every three weeks. maybe its supposed to teach us something about being stable, or being able to deal with more constant change. new people every four months, new environments. preparing us for anything that could be ahead.

but will i?

i feel like i finally have nothing really negative to say, its so hard to even say this...i am at a loss for words, i know exactly what i want to say here, but at the same time, i dont know

im not confused just at peace with the business of this new semester.


i feel like its a chance for a whole new me...once again.

i will always be your G-BOAT

what idiot falls off of a treadmill?

new year, new beginnings

this is what people would like to think, this is what they always tell themselves.

i choose not to believe this, you will always be who you are, you will not change just because the year changes, or the decade, the century or even the millenium.

one night does not change things, people don't quit cold turkey, people don't sober up over night, people cannot change their personalities, people simply cannot help themselves, its part of being human.

the world will always fear the threat of destruction, whether it be armageddon or the turn of the new millenium...if people could just find their happiness in themselves and act in kindness and be less selfish, no one would have to change, no one would have to make resolutions only to find them broken a month a week or a day later.

the new year will not be a new beginning for me, but a continuation on my trek to become who i am and a search for my own happiness...i may adjust the way i arrive at my final destination, but i don't see that as a change, its the fine-tuning of the focus on my life...as i said nothing happens overnight. i'm not expecting it to, and i don't want it to.

i heard today that if you start something too soon, without fully finding "the self" in your life you will question your tracks without even finding yourself at the end. you may not wind up where you are supposed to find yourself.

take it slow, fine-tune yourself, don't expect the change overnight, but instead make goals and try your hardest to achieve them....happiness, kindness and selflessness.