Fantasies

so i have this fantasy...
about you,
well more about you and i...

it goes a little like this:

here we are sitting in your chair me facing you, we are giggling and shushing each other simultaneously for fear that others will hear, but its all so exciting at the same time.

hearts pounding, blood pumping, hands touching,
fingertips tingling, toes curling, muscles flexing,
heads spinning, lips hungering, fingers gripping


bodies close now...

its just a forbidden fantasy and that's what make it so fun:

your hand sliding up my leg, playing, fingers flirting with the hem of my dress wondering if this unchartered territory is still forbidden...

now you're moving up my thigh wondering how far is too far...testing the boundaries with your fingertips, not quite sure if you've yet reached the limit...

i realize now that no good can come from this, but i want to be bad in this moment if it means that i can do this and be here with you...

so be forbidden with me :p

so i sent you a letter awhile ago,
you should be getting it soon.
i wonder what you will think.

Prom

so once again i was persuaded to participate in one of the most anticipated events in a teen's life. some hate it, some could careless or think its a joke, and others live for it...yes, you guessed it, prom. the girls spend months searching for the perfect dress, weeks before planning flowers, hair, nails, make up, shoes, buying tickets, deciding on post prom or parties, while others go home to zonk out.
THEN, the day arrives and we all scurry around the house like chickens with our heads cut off screaming and giggling, taking thousands of pictures. the limos arrive and take us to our final destination, the party room. we sit at the table eagerly anticipating the delicious smelling food brought to our tables by the waiters, and the dessert one must not forget that! and of course the dancing that comes much later.
so we move to the dance floor slowly wondering to ourselves, will it be awkward or fun, crazy or silly, what will happen for the slow dances? where do i put my hands? haha well thats an important question but we get it all worked out and we have fun bouncing around and bopping to the beat of the music. this will be a night that many remember, either as fun, boring, exciting, or saddening, but it will be remembered. at least for a bit.
we load back into our limos to sleep or continue the party until we arrive back to the school or our houses feet hurting, bodies muggy, and hair frizzy and tangled. the next task is getting out of those dresses and into comfy clothes and slippers. the end to a perfect night? falling asleep with your friends all around your feet, on your couch, your bed or wherever they can find a spot after a night of laughing, chatting, soothing, and partying.

more MILK

did you?

did you want me to say it wasn't getting hard? did you want me to say that it wouldn't get harder? did you want me to tell you that we would work it out? that we could make it together? that the distance wouldn't matter? did you want me to tell you to stay strong and that i knew that you can make it through on your own? did you want me to tell you that you're all that i think about a lot? did you want me to tell you that i still think about you like every hour of every day? that i still dream about you sometimes? did you want me to tell you that it feels like it's just left hanging like wet laundry on a clothing line that just won't dry because it's too humid or rainy outside?

because that's how i feel. that's all that i know right now. that's going to get easier everyday, i think. that's going to take awhile; me being completely ok.

i want to be there for you, i don't want you to need anything else. everything else is only going to soothe for a few hours. maybe it's just those few hours of escape that you need. but your problems are going to always come back if you don't get a dose of something better, they will always loom over your head. i know that i am not strong enough to help you completely, i'm not perfect, but i do know that i am a better dose than what you really want.

right now, we all need you to be strong and just hold on. when you can't be strong, you always have us right by your side, know that, always.

Not my deal

you say that all i need to do is jump in. but really what needs to happen is this, i need to see the effort, without that i cannot know that you really want me, and if you don't then so be it...we are over. i told you several times what i don't like and you say o yeah, i'll change it and then you don't. sorry but your excuses suck and quite frankly i'm sick of them, i think i may just be sick of you too.

Heart Racing

i've never had my blood pumping that fast...let's do it again!

i love that feeling that you get right before it happens, it's like no other feeling in the world. mind body and soul racing forward, giving you the go and you cannot control anything else around you. this feeling is better than a high, it's the highest that you can ever be. and then the release and...ahhhhhhh. there's nothing like it.

racing.
racing.
racing.

makes me feel like i am

flying.
flying.
flying.

and no one else can claim that pleasure as their own.

MILK cards

I can fly free

you finalized it. sorry to say it, but it made me happy to hear it come from you. it lifted like a million pounds from me and now all the ends have been tied up. i think that the reason i wasn't ready to move on or to be happy was because i knew what i wanted but i wasn't sure what you wanted, or how you felt, and now that i know...thank you, for everything

Without you

i lived without you and i thought that i had made up my mind. i even read something that related to our situation and made me a stronger believer in myself, so why am i going back again?

Conversation in the Halls

"don't worry about it, she still hasn't paid either, you won't be the last."
"yeah well these two other people still haven't either."
"well they haven't been in school so that's why."
"well the money is getting low and i don't want things to bounce that would be a problem."
*GRUNT*

you know what i feel like doing right now?

I feel like smacking you across your ignorant face and screaming at you to stop making excuses for other people just to make them feel better especially when i am right there. NO...it's not ok, it's been like over a month now and i have been in contact with many of these people several times and i am sick of their stupidity and their daily excuses. anty-up and pay for it already! you wouldn't like it very much if you were in my position either.

Thinker

i thought i was a thinker, but i guess not...why did i do this? i guess that i was not thinking. maybe now i can just be a guesser, let's hope i guess the right way more often.

Each Time

each time we choose to give our heart out to someone and we wind up losing them, a little piece of ourself goes with them. keep your heart safe where it belongs and only give it to those who will really take care of you and treasure you otherwise, what will be left for your spouse? you are supposed to give your whole self to your spouse and its the best we can do as humans to make as few mistakes as possible if we can keep most of us intact for them.

Favors

don't walk into the room and give me a smile like you're my friend (even though you are not)...and then throw me under the bus when that's a position you don't want to be in either. it's ok though, i'll return the favor later

everything is black and white, no grey area exists

On a lighter note :)

the countdown has already begun...now all thats left is the waiting till that day arrives where i pack my bags and leave town for a new one. the papers were signed, the money was sent in, and i am off to college in august! yes its scary but its a whole new experience, with all new people, well minus one person i'm not too happy about but i am sure that will be taken care of. anyway its time for a new adventure, time to find myself and start my life. its a new beginning, the chance of a lifetime, and a risk not enough people decide to take. come august, get ready to open your doors because here i come!

Duality

why can i not believe you. i want to be able to trust you so badly and in a way i guess i do i just don't know who to believe. on one hand you're a manipulative jerk who was hurt by your best friend and on the other hand you're a more sensitive guy who likes to go out and have fun. why do i feel that i cannot believe either of you. one of you tells me that it was just a few and the other tells me you were like pounding them down. i want to believe you but i also know that it sounds pretty characteristic of you to be the other way. why would you not just tell me the truth, it hurts more to know that you think i would take your head off so you tell me lies, but i know that if i asked you, it would still be denied. so are you really lying, or am i just being manipulated again.

i have to get out! i cannot do any of this anymore but i just put myself back into both situations, and i feel as though i cannot leave. do i just put all of this behind me and take it for what it is? i mean i myself am leaving in three months anyway so i won't have to be around it but i have to learn who to believe. i feel that i have learned nothing about being taken advantage of because it happens time and time again by you the jerk, and you the more sensitive one, and others still.

.............................................................................

.................................what i've done...................................

CRAZY!!!

why is it that people always look at you like you are crazy when they know exactly what you are talking about?

DRIVES ME NUTS!

Socks

i lost another sock to the washer today...why is it that they always seem to go missing after you do laundry and then you get left with half a pair, its incomplete and never to be a pair again. o wait, haha, here in my sister's cave of a room is this gargantuan pile of clothing i will refer to as mount everest, is the sock i was looking for. you can always count on her to have whatever article of clothing it is that you are looking for whether it be a shirt, pants, leggings, sweaters etc. only you can never find them when you are looking for them. and i see where the problem started because there is another one of my socks on her foot...how peculiar because i do not recall ever giving her any of my socks or any other article of clothing for that matter. so thank you sis, i am climbing to the summit of that mountain in your room and reclaiming all that is rightfully mine. i'll see you when i get back but don't hold out for too long, i might be awhile longer than you think.

Advice column anyone?

so could someone please tell me why it is that i can give good advice, or what i feel is good advice, but if i had to give myself advice i would never be able to follow it. if i could just listen to myself sometimes maybe my life would not be so confusing. maybe this is a characteristic of good advice givers, their talents do not pour into their own lives, they are able to help others, but when it comes to themselves, look out. you could probably run me over with an 18-wheeler and i still would not follow advice from anyone. in my mind things only play out one way, and any advice is not going to change that. i guess maybe we advice givers are not so good at following advice because we think that if we can give it out, why in the world would we need to follow any, our lives should be set right? WRONG...this is just not the case. but i never find anyone else's advice good enough so i guess i should just go sit in the quick sand and wait for it to devour me, because i am not going to start listening anytime soon.

Love Story

boy meets girl.
boy likes girl.
girl likes boy.
boy asks girl out.
boy and girl get married.
boy and girl live happily ever after.

SCRATCH THAT!

when does this actually happen?

here's the real story...

boy meets girl.
boy asks girl out.
girl says no, we're just friends.
boy falls in love with girl anyway.
girl winds up falling in love too.
boy leaves.
girl moves on.
boy returns.

NOTHING HAPPENS!

see real life sucks...its probably better off like this anyway.

now of course, many details have been left out, and we don't know how this story finishes, but...

even if people do wind up getting married its not cheeriness all the time, and thats what a lot of people expect and i think thats a big part of why so many couples are unhappy or wind up divorced. relationships are a lot of work and sometimes people just don't want to deal with it anymore. if you can make it through, good for you, i am happy for you. i just hope that one day i might be that lucky.

Signs

people who believe in signs question whether or not everything could be a sign. and those who do not, know that if there really were to be a sign, you would know when you saw it. well what if you've seen this sign a million times before? does that make it any less of a sign if in the million and first time it finally clicks? what if you know in your heart that the sign is wrong? or have you just convinced you heart to go the wrong way? what do you follow? i guess taking chances is all that really can be done here, and if you mess up or it doesn't feel right...well you followed the wrong sign, or your head told your heart the wrong thing to keep you safe. some say if you don't do anything you will never know. while others will tell you not to do anything because that way you don't chance your feelings or other peoples feelings. that may be the right way to think, but that also may be a scaredy cat approach to life. why does it have to be like this? because we are human, and we need to make mistakes to become who we are really supposed to be and that means taking the wrong following the wrong sign sometimes.